There are moments in life that I can't remember. First steps, first day of school, first failed test. What concerns me more are the moments I can remember.
Like on height/weight day in the fifth grade. I don't remember that morning or what I had for lunch, but I do remember stepping behind the curtain and standing on a scale and listening to some thin lady say 151 lb. o-u-t l-o-u-d. 151 is a number that solidified my personal identity as the fat kid. I had no idea before that moment that there was anything wrong with me. I didn't know I was fat. I did know I was tall, but I delt with it. Now because of 151 I know, and everyone else at the end of the alphabet knows that I am fat.
It felt like the end of my childhood. As I walked back to the 150 year old 'Pink Building' to go back to class, I took a detour to the playground. I sat on a swing and morned the loss of my childhood. I felt my whole world change at that moment. Suddenly I had concerns about my body. I had never thought of it before. Now I needed a diet and exercise program. They would be contacting my parents, I should see a doctor right away. Suddenly, I am overweight they said. I am a big girl, they said. I am wrong, I said. How can I go on? The perfectionist kid can't have another problem. I fixed the speech thing, Now I'm fine, Now I'm normal. They can't tease me anymore...I fixed it. I just traded one thing for another. and weight would be a life-long battle, whereas speech therapy had an end.
I sobbed right there on that swing and watched as the rest of my class, who were all still kids, who weren't overweight and in need of help, as they walked back to the Pink Building and back to life as usual. I sat there sobbing and wondering what i did wrong and how this could have happened to me. My mom was fat but I wasn't, until that day, but now everyone at the end of the alphabet had heard from the skinny lady that I was 151 and fat.
I wish I could forget. I wish there was more than a screen separating me from the rest of the alphabet. I wish no one else knew, but they did. That 151 day was the saddest day of my young life. That day altered who I am inside. It scarred me in a way that even at 30-something I still cannot get over. If only, if only, if only....My heart still races when I think of that moment on the swing when nothing would ever be the same.
151 set the tone for all of middle school and most of high school. It wasn't until my mid-20's that I actually became fat, but my mind told me everyday 'I am the fat friend' I am the biggest kid in class' I don't deserve friends' no one likes me anyway' maybe if I just loose weight...it all stemmed from 151.
I wish I could go back to my 5th grade self and tell her that it gets better, and that everything will be okay, but middle school is not for the weak. and High School is fast. I wish i could tell my 5th grade self that, weight, at least, will be all right. Turns out I was a very early bloomer. The summer before 5th grade I got my first bra and the following July I got my first period. By the time I graduated high school I only weighed 163. I gained a pound a year. A pound a year. I matured into a normal, volumptious curvy, big-breasted woman, I just did it in 5th grade not in 8th grade like all my friends.
