You aren't meant to be a Widow at age 34. It is not in the cards for most people. I certainly never expected it. I will say, however, that I used to think about doing it alone. Maybe it was my souls way of preparing me to face this new reality. I used to plan how the money would be spent and all the trips we would budget to go on and all the exercise we would get. I don't know why we never made it happen when Donny was alive. Maybe because he worked hard for us and we made many sacrifices to spend our time with the most important guy in our lives. Married life is all about compromise. I am not sure what single mother life is all about.
So far I have been able to check off a lot of boxes on the 'Business of Dying' to do list. Maybe my mind is getting more accustomed to saying out loud, 'my husband died.' Say it out loud...say it. 'MY HUSBAND DIED.' Can't hardly say it without screaming or crying. Death and Widow are words that I don't want to deal with. I am trying to be very diligent and dot all my I's and cross all my T's and take care of the business properly. But it sucks!!!
I am so grateful that the community has been so generous!!! I can't believe how much support I got at the funeral, and how much food I have gotten since then. I can't believe how lucky I am to have such great friends and such a caring community. I can't believe the lengths the school is going to to help and comfort Kristin. I can't believe the generosity of his co-workers. Even strangers have hugged me in the parking lot. The mother of a friend whom I have never met. The teller at the bank must have recognized my name or something and said her condolences. I cried at her, of course. I just sat there staring at the tiny screen with tears streaming down my face crying as she said she was so sorry to hear of my loss. Stupid tiny screen. I go to the drive-thru so that I don't have to interact and suddenly, human contact is made through the tiny screen. I am in awe that those words effect me so. Sorry for your Loss.
What does that even mean anyway? My loss!?!? I lost my best friend and emotional support. I lost the man that holds my hand when we watch TV. I lost the guy who pumps my gas for me just because he knows I hate to do it. I lost the man who is proud of my silly quilts. I lost the only man who has ever loved me, despite my crazy. I lost the best father my daughter will ever know. I lost the one guy who could fight as hard and love as hard as me. If we didn't care so much we would fight so hard. We both understood that each one of our disagreements was a precursor to a great and beautiful compromise that would make us better people and kinder parents.
We would fight about stupid stuff too, like how much to spoil Kristin. Donny always wanted to do more, and I wanted to do reasonable. Since he's gone, I do more without question. I bought her a $10 toy. I never do that!! I know Donny would do it in a heartbeat, so I did it for him.
I try not to think about the future right now. I try not to think about teaching my daughter to drive or walking my daughter down the isle. I try not to think about anything farther away than next week because I cannot comprehend how I can do it alone. I try not to think of life with just the two of us. I try...not to think.
By losing my husband I am forever changed by the fear and uncertainty of it all. There is something very reassuring about facing the day when someone has your back and you know it is only a few hours time until you can talk it out and make progress. I am dumbfounded by the proposition of facing my days alone, with no back-up. I am scared. More scared than I have ever been. I don't know anything anymore.....I am alone.
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Saturday, October 19, 2013
Friday, September 27, 2013
What Unemployment has Done for Me
It seems strange to me that in this uncertain time, unemployment has bacome somewhat of a blessing. During the last 6-7 years, my husband has been working ever increasing hours and our expenses and spending has gone right up with it. Now that we are living on unemployment at a mere $455 a week, we are learning a great deal about our life.
We have learned that we can live on a lot less. We have been spending money on stupid stuff at the grocery store, eating out, driving to the city just for something to do, and buying small trinkets online. Now that we have been forced to live on less, these 'extra' things don't matter much. We certainly haven't been goin hungry, but we seem to be spending half as much at the grocery store as we used to. Maybe because we don't need all the fancy/easy lunch stuff for my hubby to take. Maybe because we eat what is in the house first, instead of running to the store 3 times a week before cooking dinner. Maybe we have just cut out the extras at the grocery, any way you slice it, we are spending less and loving it.
We have been spending more time at home. Red box is a buck and my daughter has plenty of friends to entertain her. We don't need to take a drive for no reason. That has been a nice change for me. Sometime I get sick of getting all dolled up on the weekend to drive 2 hours and go to McDonalds. Next time we go to the city, I want firm plans of fun (inexpensive) things to do, not just time killers.
I have also learned that I love my husband. The first couple weeks he was unemployed were very scarey. I think we both were in a state of panic. We are 7 weeks in, I think, and my husband is turning back into his old self. He is lighter! When we met he was the guy that would sing and do a little jig and be the funny guy. Over time that funny guy has been replaced with a tense, controlled guy. It is nice to see he is easing up a bit. I honestly didn't realize that all that work was taking such a tole on him emotionally. I think he got all wrapped up in providing for his family and being a 'rock' that he forgot that our family needs a fun, light hearted hero too.
Shopping for junk has become non existent. No more trips to DI or the Dollar Store for me and my daughter to waste money. We just use what we have and make the best of it. I do have to say, that is might be a good thing we spent money on things like craft supplies, because now we have all we will ever need.
I have finally been able to go to work. After searching for a year, the very day my husband lost his job I got hired. I work for very little money, but it is just enough for that extra padding we need. Besiides I like working. I like having somewhere to go and some reason to get out of bed and fix myself up. I like having a few dollars that I have earned. I like that I have something else to think about besides obsessing about my kid and hubby. I feel better when I work and I am thankful for the opportunity to work. I will be glad next week when I work 26 hours instead of the 36 I am working this week. Although, Donny has picked up the slack at home, I still feel I need to do more. Yesterday, he did laundry so Kristin could have clean clothes for picture day, I still had to fold and put away, but I was grateful he was willing to do that. This weekend I am planning on getting the laundry caught up and cleaning both bathrooms and dust.
Life is on ongoing stream of small adjustments. When these big things come along, it is a reminder that life is change and I need to be more flexible and more grateful!!
We have learned that we can live on a lot less. We have been spending money on stupid stuff at the grocery store, eating out, driving to the city just for something to do, and buying small trinkets online. Now that we have been forced to live on less, these 'extra' things don't matter much. We certainly haven't been goin hungry, but we seem to be spending half as much at the grocery store as we used to. Maybe because we don't need all the fancy/easy lunch stuff for my hubby to take. Maybe because we eat what is in the house first, instead of running to the store 3 times a week before cooking dinner. Maybe we have just cut out the extras at the grocery, any way you slice it, we are spending less and loving it.
We have been spending more time at home. Red box is a buck and my daughter has plenty of friends to entertain her. We don't need to take a drive for no reason. That has been a nice change for me. Sometime I get sick of getting all dolled up on the weekend to drive 2 hours and go to McDonalds. Next time we go to the city, I want firm plans of fun (inexpensive) things to do, not just time killers.
I have also learned that I love my husband. The first couple weeks he was unemployed were very scarey. I think we both were in a state of panic. We are 7 weeks in, I think, and my husband is turning back into his old self. He is lighter! When we met he was the guy that would sing and do a little jig and be the funny guy. Over time that funny guy has been replaced with a tense, controlled guy. It is nice to see he is easing up a bit. I honestly didn't realize that all that work was taking such a tole on him emotionally. I think he got all wrapped up in providing for his family and being a 'rock' that he forgot that our family needs a fun, light hearted hero too.
Shopping for junk has become non existent. No more trips to DI or the Dollar Store for me and my daughter to waste money. We just use what we have and make the best of it. I do have to say, that is might be a good thing we spent money on things like craft supplies, because now we have all we will ever need.
I have finally been able to go to work. After searching for a year, the very day my husband lost his job I got hired. I work for very little money, but it is just enough for that extra padding we need. Besiides I like working. I like having somewhere to go and some reason to get out of bed and fix myself up. I like having a few dollars that I have earned. I like that I have something else to think about besides obsessing about my kid and hubby. I feel better when I work and I am thankful for the opportunity to work. I will be glad next week when I work 26 hours instead of the 36 I am working this week. Although, Donny has picked up the slack at home, I still feel I need to do more. Yesterday, he did laundry so Kristin could have clean clothes for picture day, I still had to fold and put away, but I was grateful he was willing to do that. This weekend I am planning on getting the laundry caught up and cleaning both bathrooms and dust.
Life is on ongoing stream of small adjustments. When these big things come along, it is a reminder that life is change and I need to be more flexible and more grateful!!
Monday, September 2, 2013
what I wish I had in my food storage
We are three weeks into unemployment. My husband found a new job, but the commute is too far, we can't afford the gas so he is going to have to quit. We are trying to be hopeful about a new job, or at least unemployment kicking in...it is still all unknown.
We have some food storage and I try to keep an extra of most things on deck, but I am not to vigilant. We have been able to spend $50 a week on groceries, but week 3 we had to spend $100. I have been creating a list in my head of what we should have and what is just taking up space. Here goes:
I wish I had junkfood in food storage. Wd are s family of emotional eaters so I try not to keep much junk on hand, in this case we could really use it. I think some cake/cookie box mixes would go far for us. I know it isn't healthy, but it is comforting. Sometimes comfort food makes all the difference.
I wish I had more easy food. Pasta mixes, spaghetti sauce and other seasoning packets. I have some, obviously not a whole months worth... I wish I had more frozen foods. I need a deep freezer to make that one happen. I wish I had cereal. It is a good go to food. I will never pass up another $1 box clearance deal again. I wish I had catfood in my foodstorage. I have single serving of cat food in the 72 hour kits , but nothing in food storage. We love our pets, and I am a little ashamed I didn't think of them. I also wish I had more personal care items. I generally buy a new supersize bottle of shampoo when the current one gets low, now I know to have some (more than 1 backup). One is not enough for the girls in this house! I wish I had extra of my $7 floor cleaner that I love. Overall, I just wish I had more of everything because what I thought was a months worth, wasn't. I wish I had movie/bowling/swimming tickets in food storage. I think it would make life seem more normal. Selfish maybe, but comfort means alot when you are in chaos.
What I have in food storage that I don't need:
we foolishly bought food storage for the zombie apocalypse instead of unemployment. Stupid mistake. Unfortunately, we have several cans of spam and off brand ravioli. We can live on it, but only as a last resort, I guess we aren't there yet!! A little change in perspective and we can rebuild the right way next time.
I am grateful for cases of greenbeans, corn, and ramen. I am grateful for syrup and ketchup and salad dressing (is wish I had more than one of each of these). I am grateful for tomato sauce and boxes of mac n chez.
I am grateful for a husband that works hard and accepts that I am scared to death. I am grateful for supportive family who listens when I need to cry. I am grateful for my daughter and pray that she makes it through this unscathed.
We have some food storage and I try to keep an extra of most things on deck, but I am not to vigilant. We have been able to spend $50 a week on groceries, but week 3 we had to spend $100. I have been creating a list in my head of what we should have and what is just taking up space. Here goes:
I wish I had junkfood in food storage. Wd are s family of emotional eaters so I try not to keep much junk on hand, in this case we could really use it. I think some cake/cookie box mixes would go far for us. I know it isn't healthy, but it is comforting. Sometimes comfort food makes all the difference.
I wish I had more easy food. Pasta mixes, spaghetti sauce and other seasoning packets. I have some, obviously not a whole months worth... I wish I had more frozen foods. I need a deep freezer to make that one happen. I wish I had cereal. It is a good go to food. I will never pass up another $1 box clearance deal again. I wish I had catfood in my foodstorage. I have single serving of cat food in the 72 hour kits , but nothing in food storage. We love our pets, and I am a little ashamed I didn't think of them. I also wish I had more personal care items. I generally buy a new supersize bottle of shampoo when the current one gets low, now I know to have some (more than 1 backup). One is not enough for the girls in this house! I wish I had extra of my $7 floor cleaner that I love. Overall, I just wish I had more of everything because what I thought was a months worth, wasn't. I wish I had movie/bowling/swimming tickets in food storage. I think it would make life seem more normal. Selfish maybe, but comfort means alot when you are in chaos.
What I have in food storage that I don't need:
we foolishly bought food storage for the zombie apocalypse instead of unemployment. Stupid mistake. Unfortunately, we have several cans of spam and off brand ravioli. We can live on it, but only as a last resort, I guess we aren't there yet!! A little change in perspective and we can rebuild the right way next time.
I am grateful for cases of greenbeans, corn, and ramen. I am grateful for syrup and ketchup and salad dressing (is wish I had more than one of each of these). I am grateful for tomato sauce and boxes of mac n chez.
I am grateful for a husband that works hard and accepts that I am scared to death. I am grateful for supportive family who listens when I need to cry. I am grateful for my daughter and pray that she makes it through this unscathed.
Monday, July 29, 2013
almost, and yet again.
This morning in my mind I was an author. Writing a best=selling book that was being made into a lifetime movie. We lived in our dream house, had all the luxuries and a big garden....birds were chirping everything was bright and happy. I felt successful and loved and complete.
That was this morning.
I have been turned down for yet another job. I quit counting after a while. I am probably up to 25 applications and only 2 call backs...no success so far. This last one was answering the phone at a acall center. Answering the PHONE! I remember there was a moment in my life when I felt accomplished and whole. where I made enough money to live a n almost comfortable life. that moment was fleeting. I t was only a second between making my career goals a reality and the realization that I hated where I was and I truly sucked at my job, Managing people just isn't my thing. I guess I should have know based on how many new years I spent alone. The same moment I achieved I fell. I fell in a spectacular blaze of pregnancy and secrets.
I quit on a Wednesday and started a new job on a Monday. I made more money, wasn't in charge of anyone and had great hours and did a job I really was good at. I was one of the quickest and most thorough kitchen designers you could care to meet. I didn't care. It was only a matter of time until I moved home to the warmth and comfort of my parents in shame and I told you so. It didn't quite work ou that way though. I got married at 5 months pregnant and brought the loser hoime with me. Boy, they must have been so proud!
We made it through the first year with hime in trucking school and me trying to figure out what to do with this thing that wouldn't shut iup. With in a couple years we had made it. bought a house-no a condo- bought a small truck and taught the screaming kid to read. 7 years passed in relatively uneventful manner, some bad I hate you fights. Some tough time financially. Overall we made it through together. That was then.
Oh how far they have fallen. I had gone from self sufficient to poverty and welfare in a matter of months followed by bankruptcy. and eventual self sufficiency as a whole. and now I was on the verge of working poverty and more acquired that I could loose. I just need a job at this point. I need a couple hundred dollars a month to pay off some bills and buy some school clothes. I started at the top pf the list in searching; Lots of calm offices with air condidtioning and great hours. then I dabbled in the school system...nothing there for a person who doesn't know all the right people. I even applied for and was turned down for a janitor at the school. Not good enough to clean toilets. that makes you feel good in the morning. Now I am making the rounds at all the call centers. I took the online test and 2 days later got the turn down form letter. I don't know what I did wrong. I really thought I had this one.
I thought I had the library job too. I have been in there once a week for years. I know all the ladies by name and talk to them outside of the library...no dice. The committee turned me down. I thought I had an in in that one, I guess I was wrong.
So now what is left>>> janitor, cleaning lady at the motel. maybe a waitress. not a waitress, they tend not to hire the ugly fat gurls to serve food. fast food. even when I was young I didn't work fast food. temp work> I am at a loss. I thought for sure the call center would hire me.
7 years bad luck eh? I must have broken a room full of mirrors in a privies life. I just need a job.. I don't need a career. I don't need something in my field. I just need to pay some bills. pay some bills and do the right thing to avoid another massive disgrace. I can't help feeling that there is something else coming. I can't help feeling that I am not getting a job because I need to do something else. I dont' want to take care of anyone else. I took care of my mother. I sat with my father and begged hime to continue living after his stroke. I can't do it again. I can't. I will.
\
Why is it suck a hardship? why can't I just work? I don't want something for nothing I want the ability to earn my keep. Apparently wiping noses and cleaning house for 7 years doesn't strike much confidence in employers. I can do whatever they want. I work hard and don't complain. I follow through....I need some kind of divine intervention...or lotto.
Lotto would solve my financial problems but I would still be me in the mrningl Full of insecurities and crazy and guilt for all my secret thoughts that I don't tell anyone. Morning would still be hard with lotto winnings, but I could pay someone to be my friend. and then have guilt over it. Aw guilt, every womans best and worst friend. Guilt for going to work (if I could) and guilt to not staying home forever.
I wish I could make money by selling quilts but that has been fruitless too....one more disappointment to add to my list of life. college was one long disappointment. relationships have been a struggle to say the least. motherhood has some wins, but always comes back to my kid hating me for whatever I have done TO her lately. I would like something in my life to work out work out with birds singing and beauty everywhere, just like my mrrning in my dream. I would take a glimpse of that life. It will never happen. I will always be a fat ugly looser with no job and no prospects, I have seen the way they look at me...down their noses hoping and praying they never become me. I don't want to be me.
in a nother life, I want' born poor white trash who stumbled through a bad relationship and just happened to graduate college with a no where degree and a pile of debt. In another life I had frineds and traveled and laughed. I had kids who loved me and were happy. I had a hubby who made enough money to make my financial dreams come true. In another life I was able to make something of myself and never suffer the pains of unemployment.
I believe we go somewhere after we die. I want to go there now. I want to start again at that beautiful life. I would check out right now If I thought it would make a difference. My sould will be same no matter what life....I will always be lesser. I will always try harder than everone else and still fail in the end. My soul determined that before I got here, and It will determine that no matter where else I go. there is no evercoming a looser soul.
That was this morning.
I have been turned down for yet another job. I quit counting after a while. I am probably up to 25 applications and only 2 call backs...no success so far. This last one was answering the phone at a acall center. Answering the PHONE! I remember there was a moment in my life when I felt accomplished and whole. where I made enough money to live a n almost comfortable life. that moment was fleeting. I t was only a second between making my career goals a reality and the realization that I hated where I was and I truly sucked at my job, Managing people just isn't my thing. I guess I should have know based on how many new years I spent alone. The same moment I achieved I fell. I fell in a spectacular blaze of pregnancy and secrets.
I quit on a Wednesday and started a new job on a Monday. I made more money, wasn't in charge of anyone and had great hours and did a job I really was good at. I was one of the quickest and most thorough kitchen designers you could care to meet. I didn't care. It was only a matter of time until I moved home to the warmth and comfort of my parents in shame and I told you so. It didn't quite work ou that way though. I got married at 5 months pregnant and brought the loser hoime with me. Boy, they must have been so proud!
We made it through the first year with hime in trucking school and me trying to figure out what to do with this thing that wouldn't shut iup. With in a couple years we had made it. bought a house-no a condo- bought a small truck and taught the screaming kid to read. 7 years passed in relatively uneventful manner, some bad I hate you fights. Some tough time financially. Overall we made it through together. That was then.
Oh how far they have fallen. I had gone from self sufficient to poverty and welfare in a matter of months followed by bankruptcy. and eventual self sufficiency as a whole. and now I was on the verge of working poverty and more acquired that I could loose. I just need a job at this point. I need a couple hundred dollars a month to pay off some bills and buy some school clothes. I started at the top pf the list in searching; Lots of calm offices with air condidtioning and great hours. then I dabbled in the school system...nothing there for a person who doesn't know all the right people. I even applied for and was turned down for a janitor at the school. Not good enough to clean toilets. that makes you feel good in the morning. Now I am making the rounds at all the call centers. I took the online test and 2 days later got the turn down form letter. I don't know what I did wrong. I really thought I had this one.
I thought I had the library job too. I have been in there once a week for years. I know all the ladies by name and talk to them outside of the library...no dice. The committee turned me down. I thought I had an in in that one, I guess I was wrong.
So now what is left>>> janitor, cleaning lady at the motel. maybe a waitress. not a waitress, they tend not to hire the ugly fat gurls to serve food. fast food. even when I was young I didn't work fast food. temp work> I am at a loss. I thought for sure the call center would hire me.
7 years bad luck eh? I must have broken a room full of mirrors in a privies life. I just need a job.. I don't need a career. I don't need something in my field. I just need to pay some bills. pay some bills and do the right thing to avoid another massive disgrace. I can't help feeling that there is something else coming. I can't help feeling that I am not getting a job because I need to do something else. I dont' want to take care of anyone else. I took care of my mother. I sat with my father and begged hime to continue living after his stroke. I can't do it again. I can't. I will.
\
Why is it suck a hardship? why can't I just work? I don't want something for nothing I want the ability to earn my keep. Apparently wiping noses and cleaning house for 7 years doesn't strike much confidence in employers. I can do whatever they want. I work hard and don't complain. I follow through....I need some kind of divine intervention...or lotto.
Lotto would solve my financial problems but I would still be me in the mrningl Full of insecurities and crazy and guilt for all my secret thoughts that I don't tell anyone. Morning would still be hard with lotto winnings, but I could pay someone to be my friend. and then have guilt over it. Aw guilt, every womans best and worst friend. Guilt for going to work (if I could) and guilt to not staying home forever.
I wish I could make money by selling quilts but that has been fruitless too....one more disappointment to add to my list of life. college was one long disappointment. relationships have been a struggle to say the least. motherhood has some wins, but always comes back to my kid hating me for whatever I have done TO her lately. I would like something in my life to work out work out with birds singing and beauty everywhere, just like my mrrning in my dream. I would take a glimpse of that life. It will never happen. I will always be a fat ugly looser with no job and no prospects, I have seen the way they look at me...down their noses hoping and praying they never become me. I don't want to be me.
in a nother life, I want' born poor white trash who stumbled through a bad relationship and just happened to graduate college with a no where degree and a pile of debt. In another life I had frineds and traveled and laughed. I had kids who loved me and were happy. I had a hubby who made enough money to make my financial dreams come true. In another life I was able to make something of myself and never suffer the pains of unemployment.
I believe we go somewhere after we die. I want to go there now. I want to start again at that beautiful life. I would check out right now If I thought it would make a difference. My sould will be same no matter what life....I will always be lesser. I will always try harder than everone else and still fail in the end. My soul determined that before I got here, and It will determine that no matter where else I go. there is no evercoming a looser soul.
Saturday, May 18, 2013
Baby, oh Baby
There are alot of people in my life right now that are having babies. It seems strange for me that I no longer have that option. I had Kristin at 27 and it was a very hard pregnancy and delivery was a nightmare ending in a c-section, and she was born with a heart defect. All in all it was a very traumatic experience. The first year didn't get much better. We were still trying to get to know eachother. Donny was in school and then working 12 hour shifts at night. Kristin had colic and then grew one tooth at a time. It took forever. I think she cried the entire first year of life. I did too. I went from self-sufficient and career oriented to broke, on welfare and cooped up in my house alone with a crying baby. It was the worst year of my life, hands down. We did make it through but was no surprise when I decided that I was done and didn't want to roll the dice again. The final straw was when at 2 1/2 years old, Kristin had a fever seizure.
Kristin had been sick with her upteenth ear infection. We had been treating it with over the counter medication and lots of holding and consoling. She wasn't getting any better and of course it was the weekend, so Donny decided to give her some adult antibiotics. He dissolved it in water and pored it down her throat. Within the hour she was in my arms shaking. I screamed and Donny picked her up and ran out the door in his underwear. He turned around and I told him to put her down and call 911. The cop was there in a second and started CPR. I couldn't watch. I was so scared I kept turning away. My heart was in my stomach. All is could see was my little girl on the floor with a huge man pounding on her chest. With in a minute the Ambulance was there. It took forever to get to the hospital that is really only 10-15 blocks away. They checked her out her fever was 104. Most kids don't seize until 106. We were on notice that this could be the beginning of a life long seizure problem. Luckily it wasn't and it wasn't caused by adult antibiotics. It was just one of those things. Treatment was lots of antibiotics and nights sleeping right next to her to make sure she is breathing but, we made it through.
My husband was with me and helped mementally through it and made me feel like it wasn't my fault and we can make it through together. That solidified it. If she had died or been damaged I would be in a padded room. That day also solidified that if I couldn't have her, I didn't want any others. It also made me realize, just in time, that I needed my husband, that he was necessary and important to me and that I loved him and liked him. Very insightful experience and luckily, it didn't end in a tragedy.
So a few weeks later Donny had a vasectomy. It was no big deal. We laughed and joked with the doctor. We still laugh at the fact that he taped it 'in'. Not up or to the side, just 'in'. Hilarious. I will never forget the doctor making small talk with us strangers and saying; ya know, I am a really avid bowler. It was a couple weeks later on our first bowling trip we saw him bowling and he is a really average bowler.
So now that Kristin is 6 1/2 she knows she doesn't have any brothers or sisters and we live in a community where family size is 3-6 kids, and she feels left out. She tells me that she would be a good big sister and she needs a playmate. GUILT. Every decision I make ends in guilt. Maybe when she was about 4 I thought about having another one, but man, we were out of baby and sleeping at night and I had my house decorated. Kristin was in preschool 4 days a week and we were looking forward to kindergarten and going back to work. The vasectomy was still recent enough that we would get viable sperm....I didn't know if we could force the pregnancy. I am fat and have never had good female health. I wasn't looking forward to the weekly blood tests and all the ultrasounds and bed rest for 3 months and the crying It could be different with the next one but I will never know. We ended up doing nothing and now I live with guilt for a decision that I thought I made correctly.
Anyway, no baby for me.
Miriam
Kristin had been sick with her upteenth ear infection. We had been treating it with over the counter medication and lots of holding and consoling. She wasn't getting any better and of course it was the weekend, so Donny decided to give her some adult antibiotics. He dissolved it in water and pored it down her throat. Within the hour she was in my arms shaking. I screamed and Donny picked her up and ran out the door in his underwear. He turned around and I told him to put her down and call 911. The cop was there in a second and started CPR. I couldn't watch. I was so scared I kept turning away. My heart was in my stomach. All is could see was my little girl on the floor with a huge man pounding on her chest. With in a minute the Ambulance was there. It took forever to get to the hospital that is really only 10-15 blocks away. They checked her out her fever was 104. Most kids don't seize until 106. We were on notice that this could be the beginning of a life long seizure problem. Luckily it wasn't and it wasn't caused by adult antibiotics. It was just one of those things. Treatment was lots of antibiotics and nights sleeping right next to her to make sure she is breathing but, we made it through.
My husband was with me and helped mementally through it and made me feel like it wasn't my fault and we can make it through together. That solidified it. If she had died or been damaged I would be in a padded room. That day also solidified that if I couldn't have her, I didn't want any others. It also made me realize, just in time, that I needed my husband, that he was necessary and important to me and that I loved him and liked him. Very insightful experience and luckily, it didn't end in a tragedy.
So a few weeks later Donny had a vasectomy. It was no big deal. We laughed and joked with the doctor. We still laugh at the fact that he taped it 'in'. Not up or to the side, just 'in'. Hilarious. I will never forget the doctor making small talk with us strangers and saying; ya know, I am a really avid bowler. It was a couple weeks later on our first bowling trip we saw him bowling and he is a really average bowler.
So now that Kristin is 6 1/2 she knows she doesn't have any brothers or sisters and we live in a community where family size is 3-6 kids, and she feels left out. She tells me that she would be a good big sister and she needs a playmate. GUILT. Every decision I make ends in guilt. Maybe when she was about 4 I thought about having another one, but man, we were out of baby and sleeping at night and I had my house decorated. Kristin was in preschool 4 days a week and we were looking forward to kindergarten and going back to work. The vasectomy was still recent enough that we would get viable sperm....I didn't know if we could force the pregnancy. I am fat and have never had good female health. I wasn't looking forward to the weekly blood tests and all the ultrasounds and bed rest for 3 months and the crying It could be different with the next one but I will never know. We ended up doing nothing and now I live with guilt for a decision that I thought I made correctly.
Anyway, no baby for me.
Miriam
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Crazy Runs in the Family
I know some people act crazy sometimes, or think they are crazy because they get obsessed about stupid things, but really, padded room crazy runs in my family. There is no bones about it, my mother was crazy, her mother was crazy, I am crazy and my daughter, at 6 years old, is on her way to crazy. Unfortunately, crazy doesn't have a cure.
When I was young, the year I got my period, in fact, my mother went crazy. That summer she spent locked in her room. We three kids had very little supervision and certainly no direction. When she did come out it was only to give us chores. I remember one day, we did chores but it wasn't right for some reason and we were told we couldn't play with our friends that day. My brothers left and I was alone, again, so I went over to my friends house and she wanted to play at my house, so we came back. My mother was furious. She seemed so shocked that I had the nerve to bring a friend over. She failed to see that I came back. We didn't see my older brother until dinner, but I got in trouble and he didn't.
Looking back, I know these events don't make any sense, because she is crazy.
I ran away one day. I had a bad day at school and I guess my mom had a bad day at home, and whatever I said to her about the window blinds really set her off. I was done. She didn't want me, so I didn't want her either. I packed a backpack with a change of clothes, an apple, a book to read, and my wallet, threw it out the window and walked out the back door. I set off to walk the 5 miles into town. I ended up getting a ride with a neighbor and she took me to a school where she was taking a class. I didn't want to go home, but I didn't know where else to go.That was alone. That was unwanted, that was a low point of my 10 years here on earth. I finally called my dad. I cried all the way home. My mom was cooking dinner and fuming. I didn't want to see her, I was so mad at her. She didn't care about my day or my feelings or me. She didn't even know I was gone until I got back.
Later that same summer, my mom didn't come home. She left. She was gone until school started again. We were told that if anyone asked she was in the hospital. I knew that wasn't the truth, but didn't know what the truth was until later. We went to see her one day. We missed school and drove to the city 3 hours away. She was in the mental facility. She had a break down. Now that I am a mother, I feel like I should feel guilty for pushing her to crazy, but I was only a kid. I know now...I don't know now how it happened. I know that some days I could end up in the same mental facility and abandon my daughter...Crazy kills. I kills hopes and dreams and self worth. I wasn't even my crazy. I don't want my daughter to see crazy, but the odds are against me.
You wouldn't guess it, but things got worse from there. The next year my dad lost his job and we lost our house, my mom started working more jobs and my dad worked worse jobs and we were left to figure the rest out on our own. Not that we were abandoned or abused, there were just extenuating circumstances. I know I was loved, I didn't always know where I might go in life. I didn't know if I could overcome poverty and crazy. I did, sort of, the poverty anyway. Now I am upgraded to working-class poor, two paychecks away from destitute instead of one.
Miriam
When I was young, the year I got my period, in fact, my mother went crazy. That summer she spent locked in her room. We three kids had very little supervision and certainly no direction. When she did come out it was only to give us chores. I remember one day, we did chores but it wasn't right for some reason and we were told we couldn't play with our friends that day. My brothers left and I was alone, again, so I went over to my friends house and she wanted to play at my house, so we came back. My mother was furious. She seemed so shocked that I had the nerve to bring a friend over. She failed to see that I came back. We didn't see my older brother until dinner, but I got in trouble and he didn't.
Looking back, I know these events don't make any sense, because she is crazy.
I ran away one day. I had a bad day at school and I guess my mom had a bad day at home, and whatever I said to her about the window blinds really set her off. I was done. She didn't want me, so I didn't want her either. I packed a backpack with a change of clothes, an apple, a book to read, and my wallet, threw it out the window and walked out the back door. I set off to walk the 5 miles into town. I ended up getting a ride with a neighbor and she took me to a school where she was taking a class. I didn't want to go home, but I didn't know where else to go.That was alone. That was unwanted, that was a low point of my 10 years here on earth. I finally called my dad. I cried all the way home. My mom was cooking dinner and fuming. I didn't want to see her, I was so mad at her. She didn't care about my day or my feelings or me. She didn't even know I was gone until I got back.
Later that same summer, my mom didn't come home. She left. She was gone until school started again. We were told that if anyone asked she was in the hospital. I knew that wasn't the truth, but didn't know what the truth was until later. We went to see her one day. We missed school and drove to the city 3 hours away. She was in the mental facility. She had a break down. Now that I am a mother, I feel like I should feel guilty for pushing her to crazy, but I was only a kid. I know now...I don't know now how it happened. I know that some days I could end up in the same mental facility and abandon my daughter...Crazy kills. I kills hopes and dreams and self worth. I wasn't even my crazy. I don't want my daughter to see crazy, but the odds are against me.
You wouldn't guess it, but things got worse from there. The next year my dad lost his job and we lost our house, my mom started working more jobs and my dad worked worse jobs and we were left to figure the rest out on our own. Not that we were abandoned or abused, there were just extenuating circumstances. I know I was loved, I didn't always know where I might go in life. I didn't know if I could overcome poverty and crazy. I did, sort of, the poverty anyway. Now I am upgraded to working-class poor, two paychecks away from destitute instead of one.
Miriam
Monday, April 22, 2013
151
There are moments in life that I can't remember. First steps, first day of school, first failed test. What concerns me more are the moments I can remember.
Like on height/weight day in the fifth grade. I don't remember that morning or what I had for lunch, but I do remember stepping behind the curtain and standing on a scale and listening to some thin lady say 151 lb. o-u-t l-o-u-d. 151 is a number that solidified my personal identity as the fat kid. I had no idea before that moment that there was anything wrong with me. I didn't know I was fat. I did know I was tall, but I delt with it. Now because of 151 I know, and everyone else at the end of the alphabet knows that I am fat.
It felt like the end of my childhood. As I walked back to the 150 year old 'Pink Building' to go back to class, I took a detour to the playground. I sat on a swing and morned the loss of my childhood. I felt my whole world change at that moment. Suddenly I had concerns about my body. I had never thought of it before. Now I needed a diet and exercise program. They would be contacting my parents, I should see a doctor right away. Suddenly, I am overweight they said. I am a big girl, they said. I am wrong, I said. How can I go on? The perfectionist kid can't have another problem. I fixed the speech thing, Now I'm fine, Now I'm normal. They can't tease me anymore...I fixed it. I just traded one thing for another. and weight would be a life-long battle, whereas speech therapy had an end.
I sobbed right there on that swing and watched as the rest of my class, who were all still kids, who weren't overweight and in need of help, as they walked back to the Pink Building and back to life as usual. I sat there sobbing and wondering what i did wrong and how this could have happened to me. My mom was fat but I wasn't, until that day, but now everyone at the end of the alphabet had heard from the skinny lady that I was 151 and fat.
I wish I could forget. I wish there was more than a screen separating me from the rest of the alphabet. I wish no one else knew, but they did. That 151 day was the saddest day of my young life. That day altered who I am inside. It scarred me in a way that even at 30-something I still cannot get over. If only, if only, if only....My heart still races when I think of that moment on the swing when nothing would ever be the same.
151 set the tone for all of middle school and most of high school. It wasn't until my mid-20's that I actually became fat, but my mind told me everyday 'I am the fat friend' I am the biggest kid in class' I don't deserve friends' no one likes me anyway' maybe if I just loose weight...it all stemmed from 151.
I wish I could go back to my 5th grade self and tell her that it gets better, and that everything will be okay, but middle school is not for the weak. and High School is fast. I wish i could tell my 5th grade self that, weight, at least, will be all right. Turns out I was a very early bloomer. The summer before 5th grade I got my first bra and the following July I got my first period. By the time I graduated high school I only weighed 163. I gained a pound a year. A pound a year. I matured into a normal, volumptious curvy, big-breasted woman, I just did it in 5th grade not in 8th grade like all my friends.
Like on height/weight day in the fifth grade. I don't remember that morning or what I had for lunch, but I do remember stepping behind the curtain and standing on a scale and listening to some thin lady say 151 lb. o-u-t l-o-u-d. 151 is a number that solidified my personal identity as the fat kid. I had no idea before that moment that there was anything wrong with me. I didn't know I was fat. I did know I was tall, but I delt with it. Now because of 151 I know, and everyone else at the end of the alphabet knows that I am fat.
It felt like the end of my childhood. As I walked back to the 150 year old 'Pink Building' to go back to class, I took a detour to the playground. I sat on a swing and morned the loss of my childhood. I felt my whole world change at that moment. Suddenly I had concerns about my body. I had never thought of it before. Now I needed a diet and exercise program. They would be contacting my parents, I should see a doctor right away. Suddenly, I am overweight they said. I am a big girl, they said. I am wrong, I said. How can I go on? The perfectionist kid can't have another problem. I fixed the speech thing, Now I'm fine, Now I'm normal. They can't tease me anymore...I fixed it. I just traded one thing for another. and weight would be a life-long battle, whereas speech therapy had an end.
I sobbed right there on that swing and watched as the rest of my class, who were all still kids, who weren't overweight and in need of help, as they walked back to the Pink Building and back to life as usual. I sat there sobbing and wondering what i did wrong and how this could have happened to me. My mom was fat but I wasn't, until that day, but now everyone at the end of the alphabet had heard from the skinny lady that I was 151 and fat.
I wish I could forget. I wish there was more than a screen separating me from the rest of the alphabet. I wish no one else knew, but they did. That 151 day was the saddest day of my young life. That day altered who I am inside. It scarred me in a way that even at 30-something I still cannot get over. If only, if only, if only....My heart still races when I think of that moment on the swing when nothing would ever be the same.
151 set the tone for all of middle school and most of high school. It wasn't until my mid-20's that I actually became fat, but my mind told me everyday 'I am the fat friend' I am the biggest kid in class' I don't deserve friends' no one likes me anyway' maybe if I just loose weight...it all stemmed from 151.
I wish I could go back to my 5th grade self and tell her that it gets better, and that everything will be okay, but middle school is not for the weak. and High School is fast. I wish i could tell my 5th grade self that, weight, at least, will be all right. Turns out I was a very early bloomer. The summer before 5th grade I got my first bra and the following July I got my first period. By the time I graduated high school I only weighed 163. I gained a pound a year. A pound a year. I matured into a normal, volumptious curvy, big-breasted woman, I just did it in 5th grade not in 8th grade like all my friends.
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