It seems I was born at a disadvantage. My father immigrated to this country from Holland at 12, so that makes me first generation American. My mother was the first to graduate high school. I was the first to graduate College. My daughter will be a Doctor! Three generations to the elite ain't bad.
I was raised in poverty. It took me five years after college to overcome poverty in my own life, only to give it up to depend on my husband when our daughter was born. Now, after my husband died, I am fighting poverty again. We make more from Social Security to put us above the poverty line, but no where near the average income for middle class. I earn with Social Security and my part-time job about half what my husband made as a truck driver.
I have gone back to school this year, in part to become eligible for jobs that put me solidly into the middle class again. But, in doing so, I will loose the Social Security that I have come to depend on. It is quite the double-edge sword. If my husband was alive, we could have two incomes. With two incomes, we might have become upper middle class. It seems I am destined to be disadvantaged.
There is a movement these days that helps and encourages first generation collage student to succeed in college. To help them navigate the ins and outs of survival with the elite. I had no such help. My first job after college was answering the phone for a furniture company. I could have had that job with no education. I still feel like I need someone to help me through finding and applying for jobs that are not menial. The confidence to apply for a job with a 'firm' or 'fortune 500' is still beyond my reach. However, I know logically, that I should be able to get one of those high power jobs with my B.S. and recent drafting education. I don't know If I will ever apply for one of those jobs. I don't know If I would fit in working with people who have never experienced poverty or social discrimination.
There is a huge socio-economic jump from poor immigrant to college grad. I don't know if that journey is too much to make. I don't know if I can learn to function in that world. every trip I take with my daughter is a first for me too. I don't think she realizes that her first plane ride will only be my third. That she has lived in as many states as I have. That she has eaten at as many different restaurants as I have. I don't think she knows that the possibility of buying a new car worth more that $8000 scares me to death. I try not to show my 8 year-old me fear and interpretation, but it is hard to hide the panic look on my face when I'm stuck in traffic in a big city that intimidates me. It is hard to hide the clumsiness I have at the airport as I try to use the kiosk for the first time, or wait in line to rent my first car.
I'm doing it on my own besides. No knowledgable well-traveled husband. No husband, for that matter. No sense of entitlement to a good life, only fear of so many unknowns. Fear that I hide so I don't pass it on to my daughter. Breakdowns I keep secret so she won't know what a failure I am. The happy face I put on is for her. The face of a confident, educated, well-read successful person. The person I know she will become. The person I am trying to learn to be.
