My only daughter is 8 and has some inner strength that I wish I had. We were spending the day at a local park with a pond and ducks and geese. It had been raining earlier that morning and there was still a hint of moisture in the crisp air. The grass and trees were bright green. The fresh spring flowers, that were everywhere, were in full bloom, making this the most picturesque of spring days.
My daughter was off the path and near the water with the geese and ducks. She was throwing dandelions at them to eat and chasing the birds endlessly. The geese, who seem to always be in a bad mood, did not like this behavior and did not want to be bothered. One giant alpha-goose took things into his own hands...er..beak and moved aggressively towards my little daughter. She was not going to be intimidated by a goose as big as she is and balled up her fist and hit that goose squarely on the jaw. The goose recoiled in shock. He hung his head and walked away not making a sound.
I knew right then that my daughter could handle herself in any situation. I knew she has the self-confidence to win any fight and instincts that were spot on. At that moment, she was my hero. I can see, in her, enough confidence and fight to stand up for herself and not be intimidated by whatever life could throw at her.
My mother used to tell a similar story about me when I was about her age, only it ended with me running away and falling and the goose strutting away victorious.
I am hopeful that my daughter will continue with this strength throughout her life. I wish I had that inner voice telling me to be strong and fight. After my husband died, I did nothing. I read stories of women who had lost their husbands and how they gained a renewed Faith in Humanity, their God or whatever. I read stories of how women, almost immediately, got over it, forgave and forgot and moved on with life. These women are NOT me! I am a realist and a wimp.
I have not, since my husbands untimely death, started a research fund into his rare form of fast moving brain cancer. I haven't named my new Animal Shelter after him. (I haven't started, nor plan to start, said animal shelter). I have not married his best friend and now expecting a love child that will be named in his honor. I have done nothing noteworthy since my husband died.
What I have done is get out of bed...every day and go to work, then come home and fall asleep on the couch. I have settled into a menu of fast food and Ramen instead of healthy home-cooked meals. My cleaning routine, perfected over 7 years as a stay-at-home mom, has been thrown out the dirty window. My dreams of security and companionship are gone. I don't even have the energy to be cynical and opinionated anymore. What I have done is the equivalent of falling down and letting the goose win.
That was 6 months after my husband died. Now it is a year and a half after he died and I can say I have gotten up off the ground and made some progress. I went back to school to learn drafting that will reignite my career...if I can find the inner strength to apply for even one freelance job. I have learned to cook again. Although it has been a struggle with much trial and error and many a meal spent crying as I chop vegetables. I still don't do it on a regular basis; I shoot for 2-3 times a week as a win. I have found a new cleaning routine. One that I know my OCD neat-freak husband would cringe at. But it works for me, even if it's not perfect any more.
It has taken me this long, but I have found a renewed sense of purpose in my life. My goals are not what they were before, but I have goals again. I have aspirations and excitement about life. I have a renewed faith in humanity. I have a great appreciation for everyone who loves me, everyone who helps me with my kid, everyone I come in contact with that doesn't mind if I cry.
The hardest part for me is accepting that my new, different life is a good life. Accepting that I am now responsible for pushing past the hard things to make way for the things I want, alone. I am cautiously optimistic that I can make a good life for myself, taking a page from my daughters playbook, I hope to ball up my little fist and hit life squarely in the face.
Tuesday, August 4, 2015
the nights
I used to love my daughters night time routine. Since before she was born I would read out loud to her before bedtime. While she was still in my tummy I would read her from whatever novel I was reading. About that time, the Harry Potter books were coming out and she read them right along with me! After she was born I decided to read books for her at nighttime. I would read 'One Fish Two Fish' and 'Just me and my Dad'. We would snuggle up under the covers and read stories about the very interesting lives of the 'Bearenstein Bears'. We learned all bout Unicorns and Feelings and Fairy Tales. By the time my daughter was 3 we were back to 'One fish two fish', but this time she was reading them to me. She said one time that the stories were better when I read them, so I never made her read her own bed time story again. We moved onto chapter books before she was 5, The 'BFG' and 'Matilda' soon became our favorites. We loved being piled together on the bed listening to Roald Dahl ignite our imaginations with vision of Giants and little girls with Super Powers. Those were special times. The best 20 minutes of my day.
Often times I would come downstairs and see my husband asleep on the couch. He worked 12 hour shifts so I could cuddle with my daughter and read stories. I would put him to bed too and go back downstairs and watch TV quietly or plan the next days activities. And so, the days passed like this for years. Every night the same thing. Bath time, snack and a drink, then stories in bed with mom and then off to dreamland for both of them. These times, it seems, were the best of times.
When my husband was diagnosed with brain cancer everything stopped. The week he was in the hospital, she was put to bed by Granma and Granpa or the neighbor she was staying with. After he died a week later, I went to her room to read her a story and I couldn't see the pages through my puffy eyes. We turned on a Disney Princess movie instead and I got into bed with her and we held each other and fell asleep. We kept doing this night after night, falling alseep together hugging or holding hands to the sound of a Princess singing. It seems neither one of us wanted to be alone in the winter darkness when our world was turned upside down. There was suddenly so much insecurity and unknown and now we only had eachother, Roald Dahl became silent.
My daughter continues to love reading. She loves books! At eight years old, she has read all but the last Harry Potter (because the last one is too scarey), to herself snuggled into the corner of her bed where mom used to be. She had read and re-read every book on her shelf including 'Matilda' and 'The BFG'. She has expanded her interests with countless book about animals, nature and outer space. We make a weekly trip to the thrift store to keep her in reading material! Even with all of this, I have yet to read her a bedtime story. I feel incapable of feeling the warmth and love that reading once brought us both. All I feel is loss and emptiness. The loss of my husband has somehow tainted me. We still sleep together almost every night, but we have upgraded to the big bed in my room. We still fall asleep to the singing of Princesses while holding hands...It's been almost two years.
Often times I would come downstairs and see my husband asleep on the couch. He worked 12 hour shifts so I could cuddle with my daughter and read stories. I would put him to bed too and go back downstairs and watch TV quietly or plan the next days activities. And so, the days passed like this for years. Every night the same thing. Bath time, snack and a drink, then stories in bed with mom and then off to dreamland for both of them. These times, it seems, were the best of times.
When my husband was diagnosed with brain cancer everything stopped. The week he was in the hospital, she was put to bed by Granma and Granpa or the neighbor she was staying with. After he died a week later, I went to her room to read her a story and I couldn't see the pages through my puffy eyes. We turned on a Disney Princess movie instead and I got into bed with her and we held each other and fell asleep. We kept doing this night after night, falling alseep together hugging or holding hands to the sound of a Princess singing. It seems neither one of us wanted to be alone in the winter darkness when our world was turned upside down. There was suddenly so much insecurity and unknown and now we only had eachother, Roald Dahl became silent.
My daughter continues to love reading. She loves books! At eight years old, she has read all but the last Harry Potter (because the last one is too scarey), to herself snuggled into the corner of her bed where mom used to be. She had read and re-read every book on her shelf including 'Matilda' and 'The BFG'. She has expanded her interests with countless book about animals, nature and outer space. We make a weekly trip to the thrift store to keep her in reading material! Even with all of this, I have yet to read her a bedtime story. I feel incapable of feeling the warmth and love that reading once brought us both. All I feel is loss and emptiness. The loss of my husband has somehow tainted me. We still sleep together almost every night, but we have upgraded to the big bed in my room. We still fall asleep to the singing of Princesses while holding hands...It's been almost two years.
Wednesday, April 29, 2015
The first
It seems I was born at a disadvantage. My father immigrated to this country from Holland at 12, so that makes me first generation American. My mother was the first to graduate high school. I was the first to graduate College. My daughter will be a Doctor! Three generations to the elite ain't bad.
I was raised in poverty. It took me five years after college to overcome poverty in my own life, only to give it up to depend on my husband when our daughter was born. Now, after my husband died, I am fighting poverty again. We make more from Social Security to put us above the poverty line, but no where near the average income for middle class. I earn with Social Security and my part-time job about half what my husband made as a truck driver.
I have gone back to school this year, in part to become eligible for jobs that put me solidly into the middle class again. But, in doing so, I will loose the Social Security that I have come to depend on. It is quite the double-edge sword. If my husband was alive, we could have two incomes. With two incomes, we might have become upper middle class. It seems I am destined to be disadvantaged.
There is a movement these days that helps and encourages first generation collage student to succeed in college. To help them navigate the ins and outs of survival with the elite. I had no such help. My first job after college was answering the phone for a furniture company. I could have had that job with no education. I still feel like I need someone to help me through finding and applying for jobs that are not menial. The confidence to apply for a job with a 'firm' or 'fortune 500' is still beyond my reach. However, I know logically, that I should be able to get one of those high power jobs with my B.S. and recent drafting education. I don't know If I will ever apply for one of those jobs. I don't know If I would fit in working with people who have never experienced poverty or social discrimination.
There is a huge socio-economic jump from poor immigrant to college grad. I don't know if that journey is too much to make. I don't know if I can learn to function in that world. every trip I take with my daughter is a first for me too. I don't think she realizes that her first plane ride will only be my third. That she has lived in as many states as I have. That she has eaten at as many different restaurants as I have. I don't think she knows that the possibility of buying a new car worth more that $8000 scares me to death. I try not to show my 8 year-old me fear and interpretation, but it is hard to hide the panic look on my face when I'm stuck in traffic in a big city that intimidates me. It is hard to hide the clumsiness I have at the airport as I try to use the kiosk for the first time, or wait in line to rent my first car.
I'm doing it on my own besides. No knowledgable well-traveled husband. No husband, for that matter. No sense of entitlement to a good life, only fear of so many unknowns. Fear that I hide so I don't pass it on to my daughter. Breakdowns I keep secret so she won't know what a failure I am. The happy face I put on is for her. The face of a confident, educated, well-read successful person. The person I know she will become. The person I am trying to learn to be.
I was raised in poverty. It took me five years after college to overcome poverty in my own life, only to give it up to depend on my husband when our daughter was born. Now, after my husband died, I am fighting poverty again. We make more from Social Security to put us above the poverty line, but no where near the average income for middle class. I earn with Social Security and my part-time job about half what my husband made as a truck driver.
I have gone back to school this year, in part to become eligible for jobs that put me solidly into the middle class again. But, in doing so, I will loose the Social Security that I have come to depend on. It is quite the double-edge sword. If my husband was alive, we could have two incomes. With two incomes, we might have become upper middle class. It seems I am destined to be disadvantaged.
There is a movement these days that helps and encourages first generation collage student to succeed in college. To help them navigate the ins and outs of survival with the elite. I had no such help. My first job after college was answering the phone for a furniture company. I could have had that job with no education. I still feel like I need someone to help me through finding and applying for jobs that are not menial. The confidence to apply for a job with a 'firm' or 'fortune 500' is still beyond my reach. However, I know logically, that I should be able to get one of those high power jobs with my B.S. and recent drafting education. I don't know If I will ever apply for one of those jobs. I don't know If I would fit in working with people who have never experienced poverty or social discrimination.
There is a huge socio-economic jump from poor immigrant to college grad. I don't know if that journey is too much to make. I don't know if I can learn to function in that world. every trip I take with my daughter is a first for me too. I don't think she realizes that her first plane ride will only be my third. That she has lived in as many states as I have. That she has eaten at as many different restaurants as I have. I don't think she knows that the possibility of buying a new car worth more that $8000 scares me to death. I try not to show my 8 year-old me fear and interpretation, but it is hard to hide the panic look on my face when I'm stuck in traffic in a big city that intimidates me. It is hard to hide the clumsiness I have at the airport as I try to use the kiosk for the first time, or wait in line to rent my first car.
I'm doing it on my own besides. No knowledgable well-traveled husband. No husband, for that matter. No sense of entitlement to a good life, only fear of so many unknowns. Fear that I hide so I don't pass it on to my daughter. Breakdowns I keep secret so she won't know what a failure I am. The happy face I put on is for her. The face of a confident, educated, well-read successful person. The person I know she will become. The person I am trying to learn to be.
Wednesday, January 21, 2015
the first tear
I was sitting at CarbonRec basketball knowing that my 7 year-old thinks she likes basketball more than she really does. She is not competitive and she doesn't quite get it. Maybe someday. For right now, I just try to support her and be happy for her being on a team.
I was thinking about her recent birthday party, (which was a total fail, by the way) and for whatever reason one tear escaped. There is never just one tear though. So, I sat in the cafe-audi-torium watching her not play basketball and I was overtaken by tears. They were streaming down my face faster than I could wipe off. I couldn't even out right cry, either. I just sat there in the corner trying no to look pathetic with tears streaming down my face for no particular reason.
I had gone a very long time since I last cried in public. Out of necessity, I have learned to smile and save the breakdown for somewhere private. This breakdown caught me off guard. My mind was numb and I was thinking about what people might think of me. I don't care is the thing. I have never really cared what people thought. But, that day I was self conscious whipping the tears off my face that were coming for no particular reason.
I think that is the thing about profound loss. It sneaks up on you. I can go a week without shedding a tear about my husband. I have even reached the point I can go a couple days without thinking about him or wanting to tell him something. Once in a while though, the first tear escapes and I am left at the mercy of my emotions. This time it was at basketball. Sometimes it is at the grocery store. Almost always I shed a tear driving through the canyon while Kristin sleeps in the car. I don't know if I can ever recover from loosing him. I want a future where I'm okay. I want a future where I don't cry at basketball games. I want a future where I don't cry about him at all. Not because I didn't love him, but because I love him enough to let him go.
I was thinking about her recent birthday party, (which was a total fail, by the way) and for whatever reason one tear escaped. There is never just one tear though. So, I sat in the cafe-audi-torium watching her not play basketball and I was overtaken by tears. They were streaming down my face faster than I could wipe off. I couldn't even out right cry, either. I just sat there in the corner trying no to look pathetic with tears streaming down my face for no particular reason.
I had gone a very long time since I last cried in public. Out of necessity, I have learned to smile and save the breakdown for somewhere private. This breakdown caught me off guard. My mind was numb and I was thinking about what people might think of me. I don't care is the thing. I have never really cared what people thought. But, that day I was self conscious whipping the tears off my face that were coming for no particular reason.
I think that is the thing about profound loss. It sneaks up on you. I can go a week without shedding a tear about my husband. I have even reached the point I can go a couple days without thinking about him or wanting to tell him something. Once in a while though, the first tear escapes and I am left at the mercy of my emotions. This time it was at basketball. Sometimes it is at the grocery store. Almost always I shed a tear driving through the canyon while Kristin sleeps in the car. I don't know if I can ever recover from loosing him. I want a future where I'm okay. I want a future where I don't cry at basketball games. I want a future where I don't cry about him at all. Not because I didn't love him, but because I love him enough to let him go.
Tuesday, May 20, 2014
Not 43
Yesterday was Donny's Birthday. It is strange, two days ago my niece Emma turned 1, but Donny will never turn 43. I was emotionally exhausted yesterday trying to make sure I didn't feel anything. I guess that was the wrong answer. I could barely breath all day. I cried...almost. I ignored txts of friends and family giving support. I didn't go to the grave or say a prayer or even mention it to Kristin. What am I supposed to do?
I told Teresa that 'it wasn't the loneliness it was the missing.' I can't share with anyone. The burden might be too much for me to carry alone, but I would rather do it alone than make anyone share the weight. I can't share anyone else's weight, it seems unfair to make them share mine. I'll just keep it to myself.
There are sunny days and play dates and end of school field trips and new neighbors...lots of exciting light things to be doing. I don't need to share my darkness. I will sleep and cry when I'm alone and try to forget and try to just keep swimming.
A little girl in the community just died today of brain cancer. She lived 5 years. Donny lived 7 days. Where is the fairness in that. Why does it make me so angry that she finally died and the whole community is feeling it....He died too... Is it more sad because she had such a short life? They prolonged it with every imaginable treatment. Distorted her body, stunted her growth made her sick-for what? For more years of being sick? There is no love in prolonging the inevitable. It is a selfish thing to do. To make a person live years and hurt everyone around them. A swift death is more generous. A swift death shows faith in Gods plan and an acceptance that life without the ability to live it is unnecessary.
Two years it took mom to die. For what? Because she wasn't ready to give up? She didn't get out of her chair for two years...that is no life! Donny did it right, short and sweet and done. No heroic measures, no suffering (very little) no waiting day after day, year after year, to see if this day is the one. It is very selfish to not die. Even dad sometimes, He has lost his ability to take responsibility for his own actions and see that what he does effects those around him. Is he done? Should he be done? Has he suffered enough? Is the life he is living enough to justify his life? Too many questions and too much hurt. I don't want him gone, but I want him capable. Right now he is at: most days are bad. Maybe he is learning to live whatever life he can and that is enough. It is terribly hard to see him be the shell of the man he once was.
Too many question, not enough answers.
Friday, March 28, 2014
The Worst Days
when someone dies there are a few really bad days. I mean REALLY bad days. The first one you encounter is not the one you think. The day someone dies is not nearly as painful as the days leading up to the death. By the time someone dies of 'natural causes' you are relieved. You are happy they are in a better place and their pain is over. There is relief , the panic doesn't set in until much later.
No, the first really bad day I encountered was the days after the funeral was all arranged and the family was called, and the house has been cleaned, but before the funeral. For me, it was a Thursday. He died on a Monday and the funeral was on Friday. I got everything arranged and didn't know what to do on that Thursday. That was my first really bad day. There was en emptiness I had never felt before. * I ended up getting in the car with my daughter and driving to the city to see a movies and eat at a restaurant. Distraction is the name of the game on that day.
The next really bad day I had was when I started making calls to credit card companies and such. The first time I had to tell a stranger over the phone that my husband died and I need help. I need paperwork or a fax number to send the death certificate. The first time I did this I could only do one. One credit card or Dr. bill a day. Then I would spend the next couple hours shaking on the inside. Panic. Panic is the name of this day. As time passed, I was able to do 3 in one day. 5 months out, I can do it without even blinking.
I had a really hard time in the evening. Donny should have been home. I went back to work the Monday after the funeral. I couldn't sit and let the emptiness consume me. That week I couldn't do anything in the evening. I couldn't make dinner, I couldn't watch TV. I couldn't do anything. I slept alot in the evenings those first couple of weeks. I wasn't sleeping at night, so...It really hit me hard on Saturday when the DVR turned the channel to His show. I cried. I panicked. I couldn't watch it. I had to delete his DVRs. Then I felt guilty for it, then I got mad. He wasn't here to watch it...DAMN IT!! He wasn't there!
The first all night long bad dream where you don't really sleep and you dream of them and all the wrongs you did. I replayed every single argument from the last 7 years.
I ran into one of Donny's friends and his daughter. We had hung out a couple of times. I saw him at Walmart and he couldn't look at me. He was holding back tears and couldn't say a word. That was hard. I felt like I was the cause of his pain. I felt like I did something wrong. Later, my dad reminded me that Scott lost his friend too, not just me loosing Donny. I was not the cause of his pain. I just got to witness how much my husband was loved! bad day turned really good with a change of perspective.
No, the first really bad day I encountered was the days after the funeral was all arranged and the family was called, and the house has been cleaned, but before the funeral. For me, it was a Thursday. He died on a Monday and the funeral was on Friday. I got everything arranged and didn't know what to do on that Thursday. That was my first really bad day. There was en emptiness I had never felt before. * I ended up getting in the car with my daughter and driving to the city to see a movies and eat at a restaurant. Distraction is the name of the game on that day.
The next really bad day I had was when I started making calls to credit card companies and such. The first time I had to tell a stranger over the phone that my husband died and I need help. I need paperwork or a fax number to send the death certificate. The first time I did this I could only do one. One credit card or Dr. bill a day. Then I would spend the next couple hours shaking on the inside. Panic. Panic is the name of this day. As time passed, I was able to do 3 in one day. 5 months out, I can do it without even blinking.
I had a really hard time in the evening. Donny should have been home. I went back to work the Monday after the funeral. I couldn't sit and let the emptiness consume me. That week I couldn't do anything in the evening. I couldn't make dinner, I couldn't watch TV. I couldn't do anything. I slept alot in the evenings those first couple of weeks. I wasn't sleeping at night, so...It really hit me hard on Saturday when the DVR turned the channel to His show. I cried. I panicked. I couldn't watch it. I had to delete his DVRs. Then I felt guilty for it, then I got mad. He wasn't here to watch it...DAMN IT!! He wasn't there!
The first all night long bad dream where you don't really sleep and you dream of them and all the wrongs you did. I replayed every single argument from the last 7 years.
I ran into one of Donny's friends and his daughter. We had hung out a couple of times. I saw him at Walmart and he couldn't look at me. He was holding back tears and couldn't say a word. That was hard. I felt like I was the cause of his pain. I felt like I did something wrong. Later, my dad reminded me that Scott lost his friend too, not just me loosing Donny. I was not the cause of his pain. I just got to witness how much my husband was loved! bad day turned really good with a change of perspective.
What does the Cat say?
" If you don't know where you want to go, it doesn't much matter which path you take." Cheshire Cat
Turns out I know more than I thought I did. I know I want to take some classes and get some current credentials. I know I want to get a new job. (to come shortly after finishing school) I know I want to continue doing my list. Learn to travel, practice saving, gain more confidence etc. I know that those things are going to take time, and so is everything else. It is not a race. Sometimes I forget that. I get impatient too easily.
I know that stress causes me to act impulsively and get angry. I know I need to calm down. Nothing is so important that it can't wait until I can think it through. I also know that I stress about things that I can do nothing about. (School, the weather, my dad) It will all work out or it won't and I'll do something different. If I can make it through the death of Donny, I can make it through anything. I can readjust my plans and my life and make it work.
I know I want to make sure Kristin is happy and well adjusted. I want to make sure she feels appreciated and important and loved. I am aware that sometimes (more than I like to admit) I yell, and make her feel bad. I need to give her a break. I get it! I understand that I am doing it and will actively work on changing it.
I know a few things financially: I'm fine. I have a little extra every month and have enough to save. I have enough in savings to get me through for a minute if something goes really wrong. I know I can always sell the truck if something huge comes up. Kind of a rolling back-up plan. I have enough money to buy new clothes and shoes for me and Kristin ans still have enough left over for swimming lessons and Date Night! and silly home improvements and quilting. Financially, I could, if I choose, continue this for the next 9 years. I have that option. I need to stop stressing and feeling broke all the time. I am financially more secure now than I have EVER been, EVER. Sit back for a minute and enjoy it!!!
Dad told me right after Donny died that I get a chance now to re-make my life into the one I've always wanted. I think in those quiet moments before I get out of bed in the morning, that I am really excited about this possibility. I think I look forward to being back to my old self mentally, and then being able to enjoy the moments and plant flowers and live in a colorful house and have a happy kid and be content with myself. Those are the moments that I want to become reality. I want it now!! I know I can't rush it, that it takes time, that I have to give myself and Kristin a break and just be! Maybe let the path find me...with me pointed in the direction I want to go.
Turns out I know more than I thought I did. I know I want to take some classes and get some current credentials. I know I want to get a new job. (to come shortly after finishing school) I know I want to continue doing my list. Learn to travel, practice saving, gain more confidence etc. I know that those things are going to take time, and so is everything else. It is not a race. Sometimes I forget that. I get impatient too easily.
I know that stress causes me to act impulsively and get angry. I know I need to calm down. Nothing is so important that it can't wait until I can think it through. I also know that I stress about things that I can do nothing about. (School, the weather, my dad) It will all work out or it won't and I'll do something different. If I can make it through the death of Donny, I can make it through anything. I can readjust my plans and my life and make it work.
I know I want to make sure Kristin is happy and well adjusted. I want to make sure she feels appreciated and important and loved. I am aware that sometimes (more than I like to admit) I yell, and make her feel bad. I need to give her a break. I get it! I understand that I am doing it and will actively work on changing it.
I know a few things financially: I'm fine. I have a little extra every month and have enough to save. I have enough in savings to get me through for a minute if something goes really wrong. I know I can always sell the truck if something huge comes up. Kind of a rolling back-up plan. I have enough money to buy new clothes and shoes for me and Kristin ans still have enough left over for swimming lessons and Date Night! and silly home improvements and quilting. Financially, I could, if I choose, continue this for the next 9 years. I have that option. I need to stop stressing and feeling broke all the time. I am financially more secure now than I have EVER been, EVER. Sit back for a minute and enjoy it!!!
Dad told me right after Donny died that I get a chance now to re-make my life into the one I've always wanted. I think in those quiet moments before I get out of bed in the morning, that I am really excited about this possibility. I think I look forward to being back to my old self mentally, and then being able to enjoy the moments and plant flowers and live in a colorful house and have a happy kid and be content with myself. Those are the moments that I want to become reality. I want it now!! I know I can't rush it, that it takes time, that I have to give myself and Kristin a break and just be! Maybe let the path find me...with me pointed in the direction I want to go.
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