I was sitting at CarbonRec basketball knowing that my 7 year-old thinks she likes basketball more than she really does. She is not competitive and she doesn't quite get it. Maybe someday. For right now, I just try to support her and be happy for her being on a team.
I was thinking about her recent birthday party, (which was a total fail, by the way) and for whatever reason one tear escaped. There is never just one tear though. So, I sat in the cafe-audi-torium watching her not play basketball and I was overtaken by tears. They were streaming down my face faster than I could wipe off. I couldn't even out right cry, either. I just sat there in the corner trying no to look pathetic with tears streaming down my face for no particular reason.
I had gone a very long time since I last cried in public. Out of necessity, I have learned to smile and save the breakdown for somewhere private. This breakdown caught me off guard. My mind was numb and I was thinking about what people might think of me. I don't care is the thing. I have never really cared what people thought. But, that day I was self conscious whipping the tears off my face that were coming for no particular reason.
I think that is the thing about profound loss. It sneaks up on you. I can go a week without shedding a tear about my husband. I have even reached the point I can go a couple days without thinking about him or wanting to tell him something. Once in a while though, the first tear escapes and I am left at the mercy of my emotions. This time it was at basketball. Sometimes it is at the grocery store. Almost always I shed a tear driving through the canyon while Kristin sleeps in the car. I don't know if I can ever recover from loosing him. I want a future where I'm okay. I want a future where I don't cry at basketball games. I want a future where I don't cry about him at all. Not because I didn't love him, but because I love him enough to let him go.
