when someone dies there are a few really bad days. I mean REALLY bad days. The first one you encounter is not the one you think. The day someone dies is not nearly as painful as the days leading up to the death. By the time someone dies of 'natural causes' you are relieved. You are happy they are in a better place and their pain is over. There is relief , the panic doesn't set in until much later.
No, the first really bad day I encountered was the days after the funeral was all arranged and the family was called, and the house has been cleaned, but before the funeral. For me, it was a Thursday. He died on a Monday and the funeral was on Friday. I got everything arranged and didn't know what to do on that Thursday. That was my first really bad day. There was en emptiness I had never felt before. * I ended up getting in the car with my daughter and driving to the city to see a movies and eat at a restaurant. Distraction is the name of the game on that day.
The next really bad day I had was when I started making calls to credit card companies and such. The first time I had to tell a stranger over the phone that my husband died and I need help. I need paperwork or a fax number to send the death certificate. The first time I did this I could only do one. One credit card or Dr. bill a day. Then I would spend the next couple hours shaking on the inside. Panic. Panic is the name of this day. As time passed, I was able to do 3 in one day. 5 months out, I can do it without even blinking.
I had a really hard time in the evening. Donny should have been home. I went back to work the Monday after the funeral. I couldn't sit and let the emptiness consume me. That week I couldn't do anything in the evening. I couldn't make dinner, I couldn't watch TV. I couldn't do anything. I slept alot in the evenings those first couple of weeks. I wasn't sleeping at night, so...It really hit me hard on Saturday when the DVR turned the channel to His show. I cried. I panicked. I couldn't watch it. I had to delete his DVRs. Then I felt guilty for it, then I got mad. He wasn't here to watch it...DAMN IT!! He wasn't there!
The first all night long bad dream where you don't really sleep and you dream of them and all the wrongs you did. I replayed every single argument from the last 7 years.
I ran into one of Donny's friends and his daughter. We had hung out a couple of times. I saw him at Walmart and he couldn't look at me. He was holding back tears and couldn't say a word. That was hard. I felt like I was the cause of his pain. I felt like I did something wrong. Later, my dad reminded me that Scott lost his friend too, not just me loosing Donny. I was not the cause of his pain. I just got to witness how much my husband was loved! bad day turned really good with a change of perspective.
Friday, March 28, 2014
What does the Cat say?
" If you don't know where you want to go, it doesn't much matter which path you take." Cheshire Cat
Turns out I know more than I thought I did. I know I want to take some classes and get some current credentials. I know I want to get a new job. (to come shortly after finishing school) I know I want to continue doing my list. Learn to travel, practice saving, gain more confidence etc. I know that those things are going to take time, and so is everything else. It is not a race. Sometimes I forget that. I get impatient too easily.
I know that stress causes me to act impulsively and get angry. I know I need to calm down. Nothing is so important that it can't wait until I can think it through. I also know that I stress about things that I can do nothing about. (School, the weather, my dad) It will all work out or it won't and I'll do something different. If I can make it through the death of Donny, I can make it through anything. I can readjust my plans and my life and make it work.
I know I want to make sure Kristin is happy and well adjusted. I want to make sure she feels appreciated and important and loved. I am aware that sometimes (more than I like to admit) I yell, and make her feel bad. I need to give her a break. I get it! I understand that I am doing it and will actively work on changing it.
I know a few things financially: I'm fine. I have a little extra every month and have enough to save. I have enough in savings to get me through for a minute if something goes really wrong. I know I can always sell the truck if something huge comes up. Kind of a rolling back-up plan. I have enough money to buy new clothes and shoes for me and Kristin ans still have enough left over for swimming lessons and Date Night! and silly home improvements and quilting. Financially, I could, if I choose, continue this for the next 9 years. I have that option. I need to stop stressing and feeling broke all the time. I am financially more secure now than I have EVER been, EVER. Sit back for a minute and enjoy it!!!
Dad told me right after Donny died that I get a chance now to re-make my life into the one I've always wanted. I think in those quiet moments before I get out of bed in the morning, that I am really excited about this possibility. I think I look forward to being back to my old self mentally, and then being able to enjoy the moments and plant flowers and live in a colorful house and have a happy kid and be content with myself. Those are the moments that I want to become reality. I want it now!! I know I can't rush it, that it takes time, that I have to give myself and Kristin a break and just be! Maybe let the path find me...with me pointed in the direction I want to go.
Turns out I know more than I thought I did. I know I want to take some classes and get some current credentials. I know I want to get a new job. (to come shortly after finishing school) I know I want to continue doing my list. Learn to travel, practice saving, gain more confidence etc. I know that those things are going to take time, and so is everything else. It is not a race. Sometimes I forget that. I get impatient too easily.
I know that stress causes me to act impulsively and get angry. I know I need to calm down. Nothing is so important that it can't wait until I can think it through. I also know that I stress about things that I can do nothing about. (School, the weather, my dad) It will all work out or it won't and I'll do something different. If I can make it through the death of Donny, I can make it through anything. I can readjust my plans and my life and make it work.
I know I want to make sure Kristin is happy and well adjusted. I want to make sure she feels appreciated and important and loved. I am aware that sometimes (more than I like to admit) I yell, and make her feel bad. I need to give her a break. I get it! I understand that I am doing it and will actively work on changing it.
I know a few things financially: I'm fine. I have a little extra every month and have enough to save. I have enough in savings to get me through for a minute if something goes really wrong. I know I can always sell the truck if something huge comes up. Kind of a rolling back-up plan. I have enough money to buy new clothes and shoes for me and Kristin ans still have enough left over for swimming lessons and Date Night! and silly home improvements and quilting. Financially, I could, if I choose, continue this for the next 9 years. I have that option. I need to stop stressing and feeling broke all the time. I am financially more secure now than I have EVER been, EVER. Sit back for a minute and enjoy it!!!
Dad told me right after Donny died that I get a chance now to re-make my life into the one I've always wanted. I think in those quiet moments before I get out of bed in the morning, that I am really excited about this possibility. I think I look forward to being back to my old self mentally, and then being able to enjoy the moments and plant flowers and live in a colorful house and have a happy kid and be content with myself. Those are the moments that I want to become reality. I want it now!! I know I can't rush it, that it takes time, that I have to give myself and Kristin a break and just be! Maybe let the path find me...with me pointed in the direction I want to go.
Friday, March 21, 2014
The Long Awaited Perspective
Loosing someone you love is hard. Loosing the three people that mean the most to you in the space of a couple years isunbearable. With the death of my husband I have a greater understanding of love and compromise and the simple joys of a simple life. I also have an understanding that those things I once wanted are impossible. Now, I am a single mom with the weight of the world bitting at my heals. I have been able to gain just a little perspective as of late. 5 months out from the day my husband died.
5 months out, my guilt at the way he died has been put to rest. I think I am even over the immediate anger that he left me. I am still dealing with some resentment, but overall I am almost to okay that this happened, almost. I have very specifically tried to make this a new beginning for Kristin and me. I have very specifically tried to carry on with business as usual. I don't want this to be a defining moment in my life for the worse. There are some things I have been able to understand and look at differently because my husband died. Most importantly, the value of me in my own life. I know it sounds crazy...Donny and kristin always came first and I was constantly riddled with guilt for want something as simple as a new shirt or pair of shoes. Periodically, Donny would force me to go shopping and I would do it begrudgingly, as though it were some punishment. He was a good man. He understood there were some things I couldn't do without being told todo, shopping for clothes for me was one of them.
I have gained enough perspective to understand that that I really am important. I need the comfort in new things too. I have been buying shirts and pants that fit and even a new pair of shoes. I bought a necklace and earrings too. I remember that I used to love to wear skirts and have been buying some. I was surprised to look through my closet and find one skirt and one dress that fit. I have remedied that and even wore the skirt to work this week. I remember what it was like to feel feminine and pretty. I have bought new make up too. Funny, It never was important before. I don't go anywhere or do anything that doesn't involve getting sticky or puked on. I got deeply intrenched in mom-funk. Honestly, I didn't know I had let myself go. I gave up on myself because I wasn't improtant, I was just a mom. I get it now. Mom is just as important as dad. a mom feeling good about herself makes a better mom. I found a little happy. I also found i weighed a ton.
I didn't realize I weighed so much. man, what a unfit blob! At my highest weight I weight what I did the week I gave birth. bad news. 10k a day has been changing that. It has given me the ability to prepare my body for real excercise by gently encouraging more steps. It took 10 days before I could get 10k in one day. I have been able to comfortable get 10k several times a week. The next step is jogging. I'm excited. I know my body well enough to know that I will start to loos some inches and eventually weight with jogging. I am really excited. strangly, I get that tickle in my tummy when I think about runnung again. I look at the roads around my house and try to come up with a fun route to run. start where yu are, right. I did and I feel like I am finally able to run to where I want to be!
I wrote about it a little before, but I am excited to go back to school. I wish I had a couple years ago when I signed up and didn't follow through. I am excited to get some current credentials and be able to find a job that pays real money again. I don't make anything at my jobs now, I look forward to being able to support myself again. It wouldn't have been possible with Donny , it may have lead to our divorce. I know it would have. we fought many times about it. My role, his role...it seems stupid now, but I am excited to be smart again. and productive again.
I am really trying to find a way to carry on with the life I want. Not the one I am forced to live. I get to want things again, with no guilt and no self doubt. okay, less self doubt. I am over the insecurity of my 20's. I am smart enough to know that I have to try and if I fail, life goes on. I din't know that when I was younger. I didn't have any foresight and nothing to suggest that I would make it through. Now I know, if I can live through the death of my husband and come out of it with a new lease on life, I can do anything! It is a shame that it took something as tragic as the death of a 42 year old man to make me start living my life.
5 months out, my guilt at the way he died has been put to rest. I think I am even over the immediate anger that he left me. I am still dealing with some resentment, but overall I am almost to okay that this happened, almost. I have very specifically tried to make this a new beginning for Kristin and me. I have very specifically tried to carry on with business as usual. I don't want this to be a defining moment in my life for the worse. There are some things I have been able to understand and look at differently because my husband died. Most importantly, the value of me in my own life. I know it sounds crazy...Donny and kristin always came first and I was constantly riddled with guilt for want something as simple as a new shirt or pair of shoes. Periodically, Donny would force me to go shopping and I would do it begrudgingly, as though it were some punishment. He was a good man. He understood there were some things I couldn't do without being told todo, shopping for clothes for me was one of them.
I have gained enough perspective to understand that that I really am important. I need the comfort in new things too. I have been buying shirts and pants that fit and even a new pair of shoes. I bought a necklace and earrings too. I remember that I used to love to wear skirts and have been buying some. I was surprised to look through my closet and find one skirt and one dress that fit. I have remedied that and even wore the skirt to work this week. I remember what it was like to feel feminine and pretty. I have bought new make up too. Funny, It never was important before. I don't go anywhere or do anything that doesn't involve getting sticky or puked on. I got deeply intrenched in mom-funk. Honestly, I didn't know I had let myself go. I gave up on myself because I wasn't improtant, I was just a mom. I get it now. Mom is just as important as dad. a mom feeling good about herself makes a better mom. I found a little happy. I also found i weighed a ton.
I didn't realize I weighed so much. man, what a unfit blob! At my highest weight I weight what I did the week I gave birth. bad news. 10k a day has been changing that. It has given me the ability to prepare my body for real excercise by gently encouraging more steps. It took 10 days before I could get 10k in one day. I have been able to comfortable get 10k several times a week. The next step is jogging. I'm excited. I know my body well enough to know that I will start to loos some inches and eventually weight with jogging. I am really excited. strangly, I get that tickle in my tummy when I think about runnung again. I look at the roads around my house and try to come up with a fun route to run. start where yu are, right. I did and I feel like I am finally able to run to where I want to be!
I wrote about it a little before, but I am excited to go back to school. I wish I had a couple years ago when I signed up and didn't follow through. I am excited to get some current credentials and be able to find a job that pays real money again. I don't make anything at my jobs now, I look forward to being able to support myself again. It wouldn't have been possible with Donny , it may have lead to our divorce. I know it would have. we fought many times about it. My role, his role...it seems stupid now, but I am excited to be smart again. and productive again.
I am really trying to find a way to carry on with the life I want. Not the one I am forced to live. I get to want things again, with no guilt and no self doubt. okay, less self doubt. I am over the insecurity of my 20's. I am smart enough to know that I have to try and if I fail, life goes on. I din't know that when I was younger. I didn't have any foresight and nothing to suggest that I would make it through. Now I know, if I can live through the death of my husband and come out of it with a new lease on life, I can do anything! It is a shame that it took something as tragic as the death of a 42 year old man to make me start living my life.
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
the day I let my husband die
It had been a long night. I don't even know what day it was. I was slow getting started that morning and I was trying to spend a minute with Kristin before I dropped her off with a friend or grandpa or god knows who for the day. The whole week is really blurry. Then, the phone rang and it was a Hospital number. My heart sank as I answered, already crying. Kristin chose that moment to come out of her room and need something. When it was the Dr. not a nurse, I immediately shooed Kristin away and went downstairs and shut the door.
The Dr said we had something to talk about. Donny's breathing was slowing and he asked if they should put in a breathing tube. I hurt. I felt pain in that instant like a gun shot to the heart. I couldn't move, I couldn't speak, I couldn't cry. I sat there with dead air on the phone waiting for my soul to catch up with what my body just heard. I got it together and asked the doctor why. Was there a problem right now? He said this is the first step of life support. I reeled in agony, I remember saying, screaming to no one that, 'I can't do this, I can't do this.'
I had to make a choice right then to allow my beloved husband to live a little longer or let him die. 'I can't do this I can't do this...' I asked what the long term prognosis was, if anything had changed. Worse. Worse since surgery. Worse since finding out this is the worst type of cancerous, fast growing brain tumor you can get. Best case scenario was he had a couple weeks to live and not leave hospital. He was never coming home.
I don't want him to suffer. I don't want to cause him pain. I don't want to add a single more cord or line or tube to his already struggling body to fight with and try to pull out. I had to say no. No breathing tube, no life support, because he would have no Quality of Life. Let nature take its course. I almost threw up as soon as I said it.
Next thing I know I was calling my sister-in-law and talking so fast she couldn't understand. 'I just killed him. I just killed my husband. He dying because of me.' I screamed at her, I screamed at God. I screamed at Donny. What am I going to do now?????
I was a total wreck. I couldn't think. I couldn't make the hour drive to the hospital. My friend Rebecca drove me up. I could't think. I could hardly move. I spent the day holding his hand. That was the last day he held mine back.
Dying is a process. It is not like a band-aid, I couldn't, no matter how much I wanted to, just let him go right then. Instead, I was forced to watched him deteriorate through the rest of the week and through the weekend. He never woke up again after that day.
He would die two times. Once physically and once spiritually. I made it happen. I killed him, so he wouldn't suffer any longer than he had to. Every nurse that day told me how brave I was to make that decision. They told me how every one of them has a DNR in their personnel file. Everyone said how horrible life support is, and how I made the right decision. Especially in his case with no life expectancy and certainly no life quality. The nurses were supportive and my family was supportive. I know I made the right decision. But it was a decision that will haunt my dreams for the rest of my life.
The Dr said we had something to talk about. Donny's breathing was slowing and he asked if they should put in a breathing tube. I hurt. I felt pain in that instant like a gun shot to the heart. I couldn't move, I couldn't speak, I couldn't cry. I sat there with dead air on the phone waiting for my soul to catch up with what my body just heard. I got it together and asked the doctor why. Was there a problem right now? He said this is the first step of life support. I reeled in agony, I remember saying, screaming to no one that, 'I can't do this, I can't do this.'
I had to make a choice right then to allow my beloved husband to live a little longer or let him die. 'I can't do this I can't do this...' I asked what the long term prognosis was, if anything had changed. Worse. Worse since surgery. Worse since finding out this is the worst type of cancerous, fast growing brain tumor you can get. Best case scenario was he had a couple weeks to live and not leave hospital. He was never coming home.
I don't want him to suffer. I don't want to cause him pain. I don't want to add a single more cord or line or tube to his already struggling body to fight with and try to pull out. I had to say no. No breathing tube, no life support, because he would have no Quality of Life. Let nature take its course. I almost threw up as soon as I said it.
Next thing I know I was calling my sister-in-law and talking so fast she couldn't understand. 'I just killed him. I just killed my husband. He dying because of me.' I screamed at her, I screamed at God. I screamed at Donny. What am I going to do now?????
I was a total wreck. I couldn't think. I couldn't make the hour drive to the hospital. My friend Rebecca drove me up. I could't think. I could hardly move. I spent the day holding his hand. That was the last day he held mine back.
Dying is a process. It is not like a band-aid, I couldn't, no matter how much I wanted to, just let him go right then. Instead, I was forced to watched him deteriorate through the rest of the week and through the weekend. He never woke up again after that day.
He would die two times. Once physically and once spiritually. I made it happen. I killed him, so he wouldn't suffer any longer than he had to. Every nurse that day told me how brave I was to make that decision. They told me how every one of them has a DNR in their personnel file. Everyone said how horrible life support is, and how I made the right decision. Especially in his case with no life expectancy and certainly no life quality. The nurses were supportive and my family was supportive. I know I made the right decision. But it was a decision that will haunt my dreams for the rest of my life.
What Now?
What am I supposed to do now? The funeral is over, I am getting better at making the 'business of death' phone calls. I spent the weekend with my daughter out of town doing all fun-kids stuff. Now what?
My dad said to make my life the one I've always wanted. What have I always wanted more than anything else?? To be love. I was loved and now I'm alone. Now I am left with trying to make a life for me and my daughter. I plan on adding some group exercise, signing up Kristin for tumbling. Maybe take up bowling on the weekends because it is something my 6 year old and I enjoy doing and it won't break the bank. Other than that...what am I supposed to do on a Sunday afternoon?
Poring myself a drink is the wrong thing to do, but I don't know what the right thing to do is.
My dad said to make my life the one I've always wanted. What have I always wanted more than anything else?? To be love. I was loved and now I'm alone. Now I am left with trying to make a life for me and my daughter. I plan on adding some group exercise, signing up Kristin for tumbling. Maybe take up bowling on the weekends because it is something my 6 year old and I enjoy doing and it won't break the bank. Other than that...what am I supposed to do on a Sunday afternoon?
Poring myself a drink is the wrong thing to do, but I don't know what the right thing to do is.
The Realist Reports
I keep reading these stories of women who have lost their husbands for whatever reason and how they have a renewed faith in Humanity, Their God or whatever. They have these stories of how they almost immediately got over it, forgave and forgot and got moved on with life. These women are NOT me! I am a realist. Some of my favorite quotes are:
Be Here Now
Wherever you Go, There You Are
Start Where You Are
I see the irony in all this. These are generally consider Optimistic Quotes. Optimist I am not! Realist I am. What these women fail to say is that loosing your husband SUCKS!!! There is no up side. I am 5 months out from the sudden death of my dearly beloved. He got a headache and 7 days later he was dead. No shit. I couldn't make it up if I tried. I have not, since his untimely death, started a research fund into his rare form of fast moving brain cancer. I haven't Named my new Animal Shelter after him. (I haven't started, nor plan to start, said animal shelter). I have not remarried his best friend and now am expecting a love child that will be named in his honor. I have done nothing noteworthy since my husband died.
What I have done is get out of bed...every day and go to work. I have had to leave once or twice because I couldn't stop crying, but I WENT!
I have stopped cooking altogether. I learned to cook for my husband, I quit after he was gone. I am only recently up to cooking dinner 2 or 3 times a week. I also, now, consider boiling water and adding Ramen, cooking. I still can't cook for two, so I am getting quite the selection of tomato based meals in my freezer.
What I have done is filled my life and my daughters life with lots of activities. I had to find a way to pass the time in the evening when Donny should have been home. Selfish I know, maybe even counter-intuitive, but I couldn't be home and sit on the couch and watch TV with no one there to hold my hand.
What I have done is spend over $100 on faxing death certificates all over God's Green Earth. Every account he has, every credit card, every bank account, every car loan, furniture store....and still they come. What has been most fun is gaining legal authority over my own home. Stupid me, signed every paper up until the very last one to the title. Which means I don't own my home. It has taken a Lawyer and almost $1,000 to probate my house and gain legal authority of it...oh and almost 2 months. Now, I am waiting to see if the Mortgage company will recognize me as new owner of the loan on the house or if I get kicked out. Oh, and if they will pay the PIM insurance payout....maybe in the next 90 days!
I may, at some point, gain a better understanding of humanity, be able to thank the friends that stood by me through my tears, show my appreciation to the community for the immediate financial boost. Maybe someday I will get over it and move one. For right now, though, I am stuck trying to make a life for myself and my daughter. I am spending huge amounts of time going through every decision Donny and I made together to see if I made those decisions because it was what I wanted, or if it was compromise to stay married and love my husband.
School for instance. At one point in my life I was a college graduate with a successful career. Then I spent 7 years being my husbands wife and my daughters mother. I was not able to go back to school because it would have taken too much time away from family and not be necessary, because I was not the bread winner. I was not allowed to be in a position of competition with my husband. One of those choices I made to stay married...Now I am making the choice to go back to school because bread winner is my only option now. Don't get me wrong, I want to learn and get current credentials and feel good about my own ability to provide, but it is still suck in my mind that it would somehow diminish Donny's contribution. See...Sucks!
There are still so many questions...so many unknowns. So many stupid questions. Most recently, am I single? no I am married, but he's dead, so I guess I'm not married, but I'm not single either. I don't know how to rectify this in my own head. I was married for a minute when I was young and it changed me. It changed my perceptions of myself and the world and relationships. Donny brought me back to the right side of the issue, but now I don't know anymore.
What I can't understand is why people, aquatinances, look at me shocked when I smile. It is tough. I have two faces as of late, a smile and looking at the floor. I try to use the smile in social situations. These people who know my husband died and see the smile always seem to comment on how strong I am. If they only knew the screams that I keep to myself and the pains I go to to keep my life moving in a forward direction. That doesn't make me strong, it makes me a realist. It is unrealistic to expect me to go bat shit crazy when there is a 7 year old who is over it and there are bills to pay and groceries to buy. It is also unrealistic to expect me to move past this whole thing in a quick and calm manner. My reality lies somewhere in between. Somewhere between functioning and not functioning. My reality is crying and silently screaming in the shower, then pulling myself together and going to work.
I don't know what my future holds. I don't know who I want to be. I have choices now and, although I am excited about new possibilities, I am scared shitless. I had imagined my life with my husband and daughter and Disney land when she was 10. Now I can't hardly imagine a life past next week. Loosing a husband Sucks!! If anyone tell you differently, they are selling something.
Be Here Now
Wherever you Go, There You Are
Start Where You Are
I see the irony in all this. These are generally consider Optimistic Quotes. Optimist I am not! Realist I am. What these women fail to say is that loosing your husband SUCKS!!! There is no up side. I am 5 months out from the sudden death of my dearly beloved. He got a headache and 7 days later he was dead. No shit. I couldn't make it up if I tried. I have not, since his untimely death, started a research fund into his rare form of fast moving brain cancer. I haven't Named my new Animal Shelter after him. (I haven't started, nor plan to start, said animal shelter). I have not remarried his best friend and now am expecting a love child that will be named in his honor. I have done nothing noteworthy since my husband died.
What I have done is get out of bed...every day and go to work. I have had to leave once or twice because I couldn't stop crying, but I WENT!
I have stopped cooking altogether. I learned to cook for my husband, I quit after he was gone. I am only recently up to cooking dinner 2 or 3 times a week. I also, now, consider boiling water and adding Ramen, cooking. I still can't cook for two, so I am getting quite the selection of tomato based meals in my freezer.
What I have done is filled my life and my daughters life with lots of activities. I had to find a way to pass the time in the evening when Donny should have been home. Selfish I know, maybe even counter-intuitive, but I couldn't be home and sit on the couch and watch TV with no one there to hold my hand.
What I have done is spend over $100 on faxing death certificates all over God's Green Earth. Every account he has, every credit card, every bank account, every car loan, furniture store....and still they come. What has been most fun is gaining legal authority over my own home. Stupid me, signed every paper up until the very last one to the title. Which means I don't own my home. It has taken a Lawyer and almost $1,000 to probate my house and gain legal authority of it...oh and almost 2 months. Now, I am waiting to see if the Mortgage company will recognize me as new owner of the loan on the house or if I get kicked out. Oh, and if they will pay the PIM insurance payout....maybe in the next 90 days!
I may, at some point, gain a better understanding of humanity, be able to thank the friends that stood by me through my tears, show my appreciation to the community for the immediate financial boost. Maybe someday I will get over it and move one. For right now, though, I am stuck trying to make a life for myself and my daughter. I am spending huge amounts of time going through every decision Donny and I made together to see if I made those decisions because it was what I wanted, or if it was compromise to stay married and love my husband.
School for instance. At one point in my life I was a college graduate with a successful career. Then I spent 7 years being my husbands wife and my daughters mother. I was not able to go back to school because it would have taken too much time away from family and not be necessary, because I was not the bread winner. I was not allowed to be in a position of competition with my husband. One of those choices I made to stay married...Now I am making the choice to go back to school because bread winner is my only option now. Don't get me wrong, I want to learn and get current credentials and feel good about my own ability to provide, but it is still suck in my mind that it would somehow diminish Donny's contribution. See...Sucks!
There are still so many questions...so many unknowns. So many stupid questions. Most recently, am I single? no I am married, but he's dead, so I guess I'm not married, but I'm not single either. I don't know how to rectify this in my own head. I was married for a minute when I was young and it changed me. It changed my perceptions of myself and the world and relationships. Donny brought me back to the right side of the issue, but now I don't know anymore.
What I can't understand is why people, aquatinances, look at me shocked when I smile. It is tough. I have two faces as of late, a smile and looking at the floor. I try to use the smile in social situations. These people who know my husband died and see the smile always seem to comment on how strong I am. If they only knew the screams that I keep to myself and the pains I go to to keep my life moving in a forward direction. That doesn't make me strong, it makes me a realist. It is unrealistic to expect me to go bat shit crazy when there is a 7 year old who is over it and there are bills to pay and groceries to buy. It is also unrealistic to expect me to move past this whole thing in a quick and calm manner. My reality lies somewhere in between. Somewhere between functioning and not functioning. My reality is crying and silently screaming in the shower, then pulling myself together and going to work.
I don't know what my future holds. I don't know who I want to be. I have choices now and, although I am excited about new possibilities, I am scared shitless. I had imagined my life with my husband and daughter and Disney land when she was 10. Now I can't hardly imagine a life past next week. Loosing a husband Sucks!! If anyone tell you differently, they are selling something.
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