This morning in my mind I was an author. Writing a best=selling book that was being made into a lifetime movie. We lived in our dream house, had all the luxuries and a big garden....birds were chirping everything was bright and happy. I felt successful and loved and complete.
That was this morning.
I have been turned down for yet another job. I quit counting after a while. I am probably up to 25 applications and only 2 call backs...no success so far. This last one was answering the phone at a acall center. Answering the PHONE! I remember there was a moment in my life when I felt accomplished and whole. where I made enough money to live a n almost comfortable life. that moment was fleeting. I t was only a second between making my career goals a reality and the realization that I hated where I was and I truly sucked at my job, Managing people just isn't my thing. I guess I should have know based on how many new years I spent alone. The same moment I achieved I fell. I fell in a spectacular blaze of pregnancy and secrets.
I quit on a Wednesday and started a new job on a Monday. I made more money, wasn't in charge of anyone and had great hours and did a job I really was good at. I was one of the quickest and most thorough kitchen designers you could care to meet. I didn't care. It was only a matter of time until I moved home to the warmth and comfort of my parents in shame and I told you so. It didn't quite work ou that way though. I got married at 5 months pregnant and brought the loser hoime with me. Boy, they must have been so proud!
We made it through the first year with hime in trucking school and me trying to figure out what to do with this thing that wouldn't shut iup. With in a couple years we had made it. bought a house-no a condo- bought a small truck and taught the screaming kid to read. 7 years passed in relatively uneventful manner, some bad I hate you fights. Some tough time financially. Overall we made it through together. That was then.
Oh how far they have fallen. I had gone from self sufficient to poverty and welfare in a matter of months followed by bankruptcy. and eventual self sufficiency as a whole. and now I was on the verge of working poverty and more acquired that I could loose. I just need a job at this point. I need a couple hundred dollars a month to pay off some bills and buy some school clothes. I started at the top pf the list in searching; Lots of calm offices with air condidtioning and great hours. then I dabbled in the school system...nothing there for a person who doesn't know all the right people. I even applied for and was turned down for a janitor at the school. Not good enough to clean toilets. that makes you feel good in the morning. Now I am making the rounds at all the call centers. I took the online test and 2 days later got the turn down form letter. I don't know what I did wrong. I really thought I had this one.
I thought I had the library job too. I have been in there once a week for years. I know all the ladies by name and talk to them outside of the library...no dice. The committee turned me down. I thought I had an in in that one, I guess I was wrong.
So now what is left>>> janitor, cleaning lady at the motel. maybe a waitress. not a waitress, they tend not to hire the ugly fat gurls to serve food. fast food. even when I was young I didn't work fast food. temp work> I am at a loss. I thought for sure the call center would hire me.
7 years bad luck eh? I must have broken a room full of mirrors in a privies life. I just need a job.. I don't need a career. I don't need something in my field. I just need to pay some bills. pay some bills and do the right thing to avoid another massive disgrace. I can't help feeling that there is something else coming. I can't help feeling that I am not getting a job because I need to do something else. I dont' want to take care of anyone else. I took care of my mother. I sat with my father and begged hime to continue living after his stroke. I can't do it again. I can't. I will.
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Why is it suck a hardship? why can't I just work? I don't want something for nothing I want the ability to earn my keep. Apparently wiping noses and cleaning house for 7 years doesn't strike much confidence in employers. I can do whatever they want. I work hard and don't complain. I follow through....I need some kind of divine intervention...or lotto.
Lotto would solve my financial problems but I would still be me in the mrningl Full of insecurities and crazy and guilt for all my secret thoughts that I don't tell anyone. Morning would still be hard with lotto winnings, but I could pay someone to be my friend. and then have guilt over it. Aw guilt, every womans best and worst friend. Guilt for going to work (if I could) and guilt to not staying home forever.
I wish I could make money by selling quilts but that has been fruitless too....one more disappointment to add to my list of life. college was one long disappointment. relationships have been a struggle to say the least. motherhood has some wins, but always comes back to my kid hating me for whatever I have done TO her lately. I would like something in my life to work out work out with birds singing and beauty everywhere, just like my mrrning in my dream. I would take a glimpse of that life. It will never happen. I will always be a fat ugly looser with no job and no prospects, I have seen the way they look at me...down their noses hoping and praying they never become me. I don't want to be me.
in a nother life, I want' born poor white trash who stumbled through a bad relationship and just happened to graduate college with a no where degree and a pile of debt. In another life I had frineds and traveled and laughed. I had kids who loved me and were happy. I had a hubby who made enough money to make my financial dreams come true. In another life I was able to make something of myself and never suffer the pains of unemployment.
I believe we go somewhere after we die. I want to go there now. I want to start again at that beautiful life. I would check out right now If I thought it would make a difference. My sould will be same no matter what life....I will always be lesser. I will always try harder than everone else and still fail in the end. My soul determined that before I got here, and It will determine that no matter where else I go. there is no evercoming a looser soul.
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