You aren't meant to be a Widow at age 34. It is not in the cards for most people. I certainly never expected it. I will say, however, that I used to think about doing it alone. Maybe it was my souls way of preparing me to face this new reality. I used to plan how the money would be spent and all the trips we would budget to go on and all the exercise we would get. I don't know why we never made it happen when Donny was alive. Maybe because he worked hard for us and we made many sacrifices to spend our time with the most important guy in our lives. Married life is all about compromise. I am not sure what single mother life is all about.
So far I have been able to check off a lot of boxes on the 'Business of Dying' to do list. Maybe my mind is getting more accustomed to saying out loud, 'my husband died.' Say it out loud...say it. 'MY HUSBAND DIED.' Can't hardly say it without screaming or crying. Death and Widow are words that I don't want to deal with. I am trying to be very diligent and dot all my I's and cross all my T's and take care of the business properly. But it sucks!!!
I am so grateful that the community has been so generous!!! I can't believe how much support I got at the funeral, and how much food I have gotten since then. I can't believe how lucky I am to have such great friends and such a caring community. I can't believe the lengths the school is going to to help and comfort Kristin. I can't believe the generosity of his co-workers. Even strangers have hugged me in the parking lot. The mother of a friend whom I have never met. The teller at the bank must have recognized my name or something and said her condolences. I cried at her, of course. I just sat there staring at the tiny screen with tears streaming down my face crying as she said she was so sorry to hear of my loss. Stupid tiny screen. I go to the drive-thru so that I don't have to interact and suddenly, human contact is made through the tiny screen. I am in awe that those words effect me so. Sorry for your Loss.
What does that even mean anyway? My loss!?!? I lost my best friend and emotional support. I lost the man that holds my hand when we watch TV. I lost the guy who pumps my gas for me just because he knows I hate to do it. I lost the man who is proud of my silly quilts. I lost the only man who has ever loved me, despite my crazy. I lost the best father my daughter will ever know. I lost the one guy who could fight as hard and love as hard as me. If we didn't care so much we would fight so hard. We both understood that each one of our disagreements was a precursor to a great and beautiful compromise that would make us better people and kinder parents.
We would fight about stupid stuff too, like how much to spoil Kristin. Donny always wanted to do more, and I wanted to do reasonable. Since he's gone, I do more without question. I bought her a $10 toy. I never do that!! I know Donny would do it in a heartbeat, so I did it for him.
I try not to think about the future right now. I try not to think about teaching my daughter to drive or walking my daughter down the isle. I try not to think about anything farther away than next week because I cannot comprehend how I can do it alone. I try not to think of life with just the two of us. I try...not to think.
By losing my husband I am forever changed by the fear and uncertainty of it all. There is something very reassuring about facing the day when someone has your back and you know it is only a few hours time until you can talk it out and make progress. I am dumbfounded by the proposition of facing my days alone, with no back-up. I am scared. More scared than I have ever been. I don't know anything anymore.....I am alone.
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