the first tear

I was sitting at CarbonRec basketball knowing that my 7 year-old thinks she likes basketball more than she really does.  She is not competitive and she doesn't quite get it.  Maybe someday.  For right now, I just try to support her and be happy for her being on a team.

I was thinking about her recent birthday party, (which was a total fail, by the way) and for whatever reason one tear escaped. There is never just one tear though.  So, I sat in the cafe-audi-torium watching her not play basketball and I was overtaken by tears.  They were streaming down my face faster than I could wipe off.  I couldn't even out right cry, either. I just sat there in the corner trying no to look pathetic with tears streaming down my face for no particular reason.

I had gone a very long time since I last cried in public.  Out of necessity, I have learned to smile and save the breakdown for somewhere private.  This breakdown caught me off guard.  My mind was numb and I was thinking about what people might think of me.  I don't care is the thing.  I have never really cared what people thought.  But, that day I was self conscious whipping the tears off my face that were coming for no particular reason.

I think that is the thing about profound loss.  It sneaks up on you.  I can go a week without shedding a tear about my husband.  I have even reached the point I can go a couple days without thinking about him or wanting to tell him something.  Once in a while though, the first tear escapes and I am left at the mercy of my emotions.  This time it was at basketball.  Sometimes it is at the grocery store. Almost always I shed a tear driving through the canyon while Kristin sleeps in the car. I don't know if I can ever recover from loosing him.  I want a future where I'm okay.  I want a future where I don't cry at basketball games.  I want a future where I don't cry about him at all.  Not because I didn't love him, but because I love him enough to let him go.