What does the Cat say?

"  If you don't know where you want to go, it doesn't much matter which path you take."  Cheshire Cat

Turns out I know more than I thought I did.  I know I want to take some classes and get some current credentials.  I know I want to get a new job.  (to come shortly after finishing school)  I know I want to continue doing my list.  Learn to travel, practice saving, gain more confidence etc.  I know that those things are going to take time, and so is everything else.  It is not a race.  Sometimes I forget that.  I get impatient too easily.

I know that stress causes me to act impulsively and get angry.  I know I need to calm down.  Nothing is so important that it can't wait until I can think it through.  I also know that I stress about things that I can do nothing about.  (School, the weather, my dad)  It will all work out or it won't and I'll do something different.  If I can make it through the death of Donny, I can make it through anything.  I can readjust my plans and my life and make it work.

 I know I want to make sure Kristin is happy and well adjusted.  I want to make sure she feels appreciated and important and loved.  I am aware that sometimes (more than I like to admit)  I yell, and make her feel bad.  I need to give her a break.  I get it!  I understand that I am doing it and will actively work on changing it.

 I know a few things financially:  I'm fine.  I have a little extra every month and have enough to save.  I have enough in savings to get me through for a minute if something goes really wrong.  I know I can always sell the truck if something huge comes up.  Kind of a rolling back-up plan.  I have enough money to buy new clothes and shoes for me and Kristin ans still have enough left over for swimming lessons and Date Night! and silly home improvements and quilting.  Financially, I could, if I choose, continue this for the next 9 years.  I have that option.  I need to stop stressing and feeling broke all the time.  I am financially more secure now than I have EVER been, EVER.  Sit back for a minute and enjoy it!!!

Dad told me right after Donny died that I get a chance now to re-make my life into the one I've always wanted.  I think in those quiet moments before I get out of bed in the morning, that I am really excited about this possibility.  I think I look forward to being back to my old self mentally, and then being able to enjoy the moments and plant flowers and live in a colorful house and have a happy kid and be content with myself.  Those are the moments that I want to become reality.  I want it now!!  I know I can't rush it, that it takes time, that I have to give myself and Kristin a break and just be!  Maybe let the path find me...with me pointed in the direction I want to go.