when someone dies there are a few really bad days. I mean REALLY bad days. The first one you encounter is not the one you think. The day someone dies is not nearly as painful as the days leading up to the death. By the time someone dies of 'natural causes' you are relieved. You are happy they are in a better place and their pain is over. There is relief , the panic doesn't set in until much later.
No, the first really bad day I encountered was the days after the funeral was all arranged and the family was called, and the house has been cleaned, but before the funeral. For me, it was a Thursday. He died on a Monday and the funeral was on Friday. I got everything arranged and didn't know what to do on that Thursday. That was my first really bad day. There was en emptiness I had never felt before. * I ended up getting in the car with my daughter and driving to the city to see a movies and eat at a restaurant. Distraction is the name of the game on that day.
The next really bad day I had was when I started making calls to credit card companies and such. The first time I had to tell a stranger over the phone that my husband died and I need help. I need paperwork or a fax number to send the death certificate. The first time I did this I could only do one. One credit card or Dr. bill a day. Then I would spend the next couple hours shaking on the inside. Panic. Panic is the name of this day. As time passed, I was able to do 3 in one day. 5 months out, I can do it without even blinking.
I had a really hard time in the evening. Donny should have been home. I went back to work the Monday after the funeral. I couldn't sit and let the emptiness consume me. That week I couldn't do anything in the evening. I couldn't make dinner, I couldn't watch TV. I couldn't do anything. I slept alot in the evenings those first couple of weeks. I wasn't sleeping at night, so...It really hit me hard on Saturday when the DVR turned the channel to His show. I cried. I panicked. I couldn't watch it. I had to delete his DVRs. Then I felt guilty for it, then I got mad. He wasn't here to watch it...DAMN IT!! He wasn't there!
The first all night long bad dream where you don't really sleep and you dream of them and all the wrongs you did. I replayed every single argument from the last 7 years.
I ran into one of Donny's friends and his daughter. We had hung out a couple of times. I saw him at Walmart and he couldn't look at me. He was holding back tears and couldn't say a word. That was hard. I felt like I was the cause of his pain. I felt like I did something wrong. Later, my dad reminded me that Scott lost his friend too, not just me loosing Donny. I was not the cause of his pain. I just got to witness how much my husband was loved! bad day turned really good with a change of perspective.
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