Loosing someone you love is hard. Loosing the three people that mean the most to you in the space of a couple years isunbearable. With the death of my husband I have a greater understanding of love and compromise and the simple joys of a simple life. I also have an understanding that those things I once wanted are impossible. Now, I am a single mom with the weight of the world bitting at my heals. I have been able to gain just a little perspective as of late. 5 months out from the day my husband died.
5 months out, my guilt at the way he died has been put to rest. I think I am even over the immediate anger that he left me. I am still dealing with some resentment, but overall I am almost to okay that this happened, almost. I have very specifically tried to make this a new beginning for Kristin and me. I have very specifically tried to carry on with business as usual. I don't want this to be a defining moment in my life for the worse. There are some things I have been able to understand and look at differently because my husband died. Most importantly, the value of me in my own life. I know it sounds crazy...Donny and kristin always came first and I was constantly riddled with guilt for want something as simple as a new shirt or pair of shoes. Periodically, Donny would force me to go shopping and I would do it begrudgingly, as though it were some punishment. He was a good man. He understood there were some things I couldn't do without being told todo, shopping for clothes for me was one of them.
I have gained enough perspective to understand that that I really am important. I need the comfort in new things too. I have been buying shirts and pants that fit and even a new pair of shoes. I bought a necklace and earrings too. I remember that I used to love to wear skirts and have been buying some. I was surprised to look through my closet and find one skirt and one dress that fit. I have remedied that and even wore the skirt to work this week. I remember what it was like to feel feminine and pretty. I have bought new make up too. Funny, It never was important before. I don't go anywhere or do anything that doesn't involve getting sticky or puked on. I got deeply intrenched in mom-funk. Honestly, I didn't know I had let myself go. I gave up on myself because I wasn't improtant, I was just a mom. I get it now. Mom is just as important as dad. a mom feeling good about herself makes a better mom. I found a little happy. I also found i weighed a ton.
I didn't realize I weighed so much. man, what a unfit blob! At my highest weight I weight what I did the week I gave birth. bad news. 10k a day has been changing that. It has given me the ability to prepare my body for real excercise by gently encouraging more steps. It took 10 days before I could get 10k in one day. I have been able to comfortable get 10k several times a week. The next step is jogging. I'm excited. I know my body well enough to know that I will start to loos some inches and eventually weight with jogging. I am really excited. strangly, I get that tickle in my tummy when I think about runnung again. I look at the roads around my house and try to come up with a fun route to run. start where yu are, right. I did and I feel like I am finally able to run to where I want to be!
I wrote about it a little before, but I am excited to go back to school. I wish I had a couple years ago when I signed up and didn't follow through. I am excited to get some current credentials and be able to find a job that pays real money again. I don't make anything at my jobs now, I look forward to being able to support myself again. It wouldn't have been possible with Donny , it may have lead to our divorce. I know it would have. we fought many times about it. My role, his role...it seems stupid now, but I am excited to be smart again. and productive again.
I am really trying to find a way to carry on with the life I want. Not the one I am forced to live. I get to want things again, with no guilt and no self doubt. okay, less self doubt. I am over the insecurity of my 20's. I am smart enough to know that I have to try and if I fail, life goes on. I din't know that when I was younger. I didn't have any foresight and nothing to suggest that I would make it through. Now I know, if I can live through the death of my husband and come out of it with a new lease on life, I can do anything! It is a shame that it took something as tragic as the death of a 42 year old man to make me start living my life.
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