I keep reading these stories of women who have lost their husbands for whatever reason and how they have a renewed faith in Humanity, Their God or whatever. They have these stories of how they almost immediately got over it, forgave and forgot and got moved on with life. These women are NOT me! I am a realist. Some of my favorite quotes are:
Be Here Now
Wherever you Go, There You Are
Start Where You Are
I see the irony in all this. These are generally consider Optimistic Quotes. Optimist I am not! Realist I am. What these women fail to say is that loosing your husband SUCKS!!! There is no up side. I am 5 months out from the sudden death of my dearly beloved. He got a headache and 7 days later he was dead. No shit. I couldn't make it up if I tried. I have not, since his untimely death, started a research fund into his rare form of fast moving brain cancer. I haven't Named my new Animal Shelter after him. (I haven't started, nor plan to start, said animal shelter). I have not remarried his best friend and now am expecting a love child that will be named in his honor. I have done nothing noteworthy since my husband died.
What I have done is get out of bed...every day and go to work. I have had to leave once or twice because I couldn't stop crying, but I WENT!
I have stopped cooking altogether. I learned to cook for my husband, I quit after he was gone. I am only recently up to cooking dinner 2 or 3 times a week. I also, now, consider boiling water and adding Ramen, cooking. I still can't cook for two, so I am getting quite the selection of tomato based meals in my freezer.
What I have done is filled my life and my daughters life with lots of activities. I had to find a way to pass the time in the evening when Donny should have been home. Selfish I know, maybe even counter-intuitive, but I couldn't be home and sit on the couch and watch TV with no one there to hold my hand.
What I have done is spend over $100 on faxing death certificates all over God's Green Earth. Every account he has, every credit card, every bank account, every car loan, furniture store....and still they come. What has been most fun is gaining legal authority over my own home. Stupid me, signed every paper up until the very last one to the title. Which means I don't own my home. It has taken a Lawyer and almost $1,000 to probate my house and gain legal authority of it...oh and almost 2 months. Now, I am waiting to see if the Mortgage company will recognize me as new owner of the loan on the house or if I get kicked out. Oh, and if they will pay the PIM insurance payout....maybe in the next 90 days!
I may, at some point, gain a better understanding of humanity, be able to thank the friends that stood by me through my tears, show my appreciation to the community for the immediate financial boost. Maybe someday I will get over it and move one. For right now, though, I am stuck trying to make a life for myself and my daughter. I am spending huge amounts of time going through every decision Donny and I made together to see if I made those decisions because it was what I wanted, or if it was compromise to stay married and love my husband.
School for instance. At one point in my life I was a college graduate with a successful career. Then I spent 7 years being my husbands wife and my daughters mother. I was not able to go back to school because it would have taken too much time away from family and not be necessary, because I was not the bread winner. I was not allowed to be in a position of competition with my husband. One of those choices I made to stay married...Now I am making the choice to go back to school because bread winner is my only option now. Don't get me wrong, I want to learn and get current credentials and feel good about my own ability to provide, but it is still suck in my mind that it would somehow diminish Donny's contribution. See...Sucks!
There are still so many questions...so many unknowns. So many stupid questions. Most recently, am I single? no I am married, but he's dead, so I guess I'm not married, but I'm not single either. I don't know how to rectify this in my own head. I was married for a minute when I was young and it changed me. It changed my perceptions of myself and the world and relationships. Donny brought me back to the right side of the issue, but now I don't know anymore.
What I can't understand is why people, aquatinances, look at me shocked when I smile. It is tough. I have two faces as of late, a smile and looking at the floor. I try to use the smile in social situations. These people who know my husband died and see the smile always seem to comment on how strong I am. If they only knew the screams that I keep to myself and the pains I go to to keep my life moving in a forward direction. That doesn't make me strong, it makes me a realist. It is unrealistic to expect me to go bat shit crazy when there is a 7 year old who is over it and there are bills to pay and groceries to buy. It is also unrealistic to expect me to move past this whole thing in a quick and calm manner. My reality lies somewhere in between. Somewhere between functioning and not functioning. My reality is crying and silently screaming in the shower, then pulling myself together and going to work.
I don't know what my future holds. I don't know who I want to be. I have choices now and, although I am excited about new possibilities, I am scared shitless. I had imagined my life with my husband and daughter and Disney land when she was 10. Now I can't hardly imagine a life past next week. Loosing a husband Sucks!! If anyone tell you differently, they are selling something.
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