It had been a long night. I don't even know what day it was. I was slow getting started that morning and I was trying to spend a minute with Kristin before I dropped her off with a friend or grandpa or god knows who for the day. The whole week is really blurry. Then, the phone rang and it was a Hospital number. My heart sank as I answered, already crying. Kristin chose that moment to come out of her room and need something. When it was the Dr. not a nurse, I immediately shooed Kristin away and went downstairs and shut the door.
The Dr said we had something to talk about. Donny's breathing was slowing and he asked if they should put in a breathing tube. I hurt. I felt pain in that instant like a gun shot to the heart. I couldn't move, I couldn't speak, I couldn't cry. I sat there with dead air on the phone waiting for my soul to catch up with what my body just heard. I got it together and asked the doctor why. Was there a problem right now? He said this is the first step of life support. I reeled in agony, I remember saying, screaming to no one that, 'I can't do this, I can't do this.'
I had to make a choice right then to allow my beloved husband to live a little longer or let him die. 'I can't do this I can't do this...' I asked what the long term prognosis was, if anything had changed. Worse. Worse since surgery. Worse since finding out this is the worst type of cancerous, fast growing brain tumor you can get. Best case scenario was he had a couple weeks to live and not leave hospital. He was never coming home.
I don't want him to suffer. I don't want to cause him pain. I don't want to add a single more cord or line or tube to his already struggling body to fight with and try to pull out. I had to say no. No breathing tube, no life support, because he would have no Quality of Life. Let nature take its course. I almost threw up as soon as I said it.
Next thing I know I was calling my sister-in-law and talking so fast she couldn't understand. 'I just killed him. I just killed my husband. He dying because of me.' I screamed at her, I screamed at God. I screamed at Donny. What am I going to do now?????
I was a total wreck. I couldn't think. I couldn't make the hour drive to the hospital. My friend Rebecca drove me up. I could't think. I could hardly move. I spent the day holding his hand. That was the last day he held mine back.
Dying is a process. It is not like a band-aid, I couldn't, no matter how much I wanted to, just let him go right then. Instead, I was forced to watched him deteriorate through the rest of the week and through the weekend. He never woke up again after that day.
He would die two times. Once physically and once spiritually. I made it happen. I killed him, so he wouldn't suffer any longer than he had to. Every nurse that day told me how brave I was to make that decision. They told me how every one of them has a DNR in their personnel file. Everyone said how horrible life support is, and how I made the right decision. Especially in his case with no life expectancy and certainly no life quality. The nurses were supportive and my family was supportive. I know I made the right decision. But it was a decision that will haunt my dreams for the rest of my life.
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